My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

The end of the second...

You always hear that the first of year of marriage is always the hardest... It was a doozie but the second was more than a little trying in itself. The truth is, life with people is never easy. Life trying to meet the needs of relationships is "hard work". I laugh at that because it seems that those two words don't do justice to realistic depth of energy that actually goes into it!

It's so easy to put one selfish decision after another creating a web of distraction and destruction. It's so easy to let one hurtful word lead to another and another tearing at the core of the one you've promised to protect with every ounce of your being. It's so very easy to loose sight of why you married each other when we get focused on our own ambitions instead of choosing to see the needs of our partners.

I love my husband.

I know that he loves me.

It isn't perfect. There is much work to be done to heal what's been done and grow into what we have the potential of being.  It is possible though...

We were created to be in a marriage relationship and we are never given more than we are able to deal with. The trick we are learning is the daily choice that is involved in this process of growth. One choice can be the difference between life and death in a marriage. Daily submission to the beautiful God given boundaries and roles that are given in His Word are crucial to growth. 

The second part is the gift and challenge of forgiveness. Every day, we seem to find things that one or the other or both need to seek, receive or extend forgiveness. Whether we choose to seek, receive or extend - well that's a whole other story. But it is our goal.

So today, as he is miles away working on learning a new aspect of his job and I am here listening to the whirring of the dishwasher trying to drown out the song my student sang as I walked down that isle... as I prepare for him to come home soon, I just wanted to take a minute to reflect about us, about that day and about the work HE is faithfully doing in our lives...

I love you Bradley Greene. I always will...