Perseverance is not about me...

"Christian perseverance is about God's faithfulness not our ability or strength" preached Pastor Brad Harback yesterday morning... Those words hit me like a semi-truck and I didn't hear anything else for a moment or two, or three.
 
His Faithfulness.
 
There it is again...
 
I've spent countless hours working numerous jobs recently to make ends meet along with trying to fit in all my planning for our Choir program... We perform this weekend and my heart still wrestles with scripture and vision and just what is interpreted correctly. My "kids" are so patient and eager to learn and I  know there are co-workers amid that think I am inadequate.

People in this community who think I shouldn't be in spiritual leadership of the kind I am in. Working with young people who are impressionable. Obviously chooseing to marry someone who is open about his past life is a worse sinner than those who run the church and hide thier sins of judgement and condemnation. Maybe even worse, they don't hide it and yet get away with it because we wouldn't dare call them out on how they've treated those of us who are "beneath" them in the scale of sin.

My husband and I walk confidently in the knowledge that our God is our Savior. He has forgiven and whether people want to let it go themselves, is not our problem. Even still, I am human and there is only so much slander and malicious gossip from "friends" and people who think they know you but really only know what has been said about you along with hurtful words from those who are in authority over you either in the workplace or in the church that one can be afforded before a person questions. (This leads to another subject that was impressed on my heart about the Church and how we ought not to give up on it because again, it's not about the people who run the church... I will blog about that at a later date)

I know very well in my head that I do not need to justify my life or choices because I know where my heart lies and it's with my Jesus... He speaks to my spirit and leads my life as I seek after Him. But there are times, in my humanity that I do doubt myself and my God and think I am inadequate.
 
I found myself challenged at one of my places of work this week and a young mother who I have known for years came right out in earnest seeking and asking "Why?" Why is it that I believe what I believe, terrified of the end time as she was raised Catholic and has been reading through revelations... What makes my faith different from all other religions of the world? and I stumbled, I wasn't prepared, I haven't had to be prepared for a long time in this place of self righteousness. My words I fear were inadequate.
 
The past two years I've face more false accusations and emotional trauma caused by the brokenness of others. I've wrestled with choices loved ones make and the attitudes and judgement of other loved ones... I've struggled with my husband. Oh I love him with all my heart but we struggle and how I've chosen to respond to all of these situations has often been inadequate...
 
Who am I kidding?
 
On this earth - I am never going to be adequate.
 
I am never going to be able to live up to the expectations of people around me let alone the expectations of my own self as I explore HIS Word and try to reflect it in my choices.
 
I can't do it.
 
And I don't have to.
 
Because it's about His faithfulness... His love for us.
 
Isn't that what Scripture talks about when it is said
 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God,  not by works, so that no one can boast."     Ephesians 2:8-9...

 

"For GOD so LOVED the world that

He gave His one and only Son" ...

 

to die on the cross as the only pure sacrificial Lamb fulfilling the Old Testament prophecy as our High Priest

 

..."so that WHO EVER believes in Him

will not perish but have everlasting life"    

 John 3:16

 
His faithfulness does not mean that we will live without suffering... Grateful for my freedom in this world, I fear that we become complacent in our faith because of it.

We say that we can find our refuge in life if we are good enough, make enough money, hang out with the proper people... It's not about that. It's about HIM. The end times will come and depending on your interpretation we may be called to experience death on this earth in ways that seem unfathomable...
 
But how will we choose to respond...
 
Will we choose to realise that its about His faithfulness? That He who began a good work in us will fulfil it when we meet Him in glory?
 
I want to choose life in Christ... I choose to believe that there is nothing I can do to be good enough because that would defeat Christs death and Resurrection to make a way. Its very clear when Jesus states in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"...
 
I know all of this in my heart but sometimes we need to be reminded; to be sharpened so that we are prepared with an answer. Just because the race of this life may seem long and our bodies begin to ache from the painful burn of what ever situation you have or are experiencing, as we push forward we know...

He is faithful.

 

"...let us lay aside every weight,

and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 

looking unto Jesus, t

he author and finisher of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross,

despising the shame,

 and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

 

Hebrews 12:1-2 

When the road is long...

This province that God has made my home has grown on me the past 11 years... For miles around you can see from the top of our third hill. Stunning in the summer months when all you can see is brightly coloured fields. Blinding in the winter as the sun cascades the snow covered frozen land. Humbling in the middle of the night when you can't begin to count the stars in a fraction of the sky that loom's over head. I am in awe of it's beauty... knowing that when He created it, it was good! Just for us to enjoy.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to write to you... the unknown world of listeners... I trust you are well and I thank you for your patience as the past two months have been so overwhelming for my beloved and I.

Before the past two months, God has had us on our knees the past two years... Praying for healing and  restoration in various situations of our lives. Sometimes in our pleading, God says "it's not time". We did not want to run like Jonah... Been there and done that. We have nothing to run from for we know who our Redeemer is whether or not others want to acknowledge that we are all sinners saved by grace no different one to the next. Our hearts desire has been to be patient as we wait for His perfect timing.

6 months ago he tossed out resumes, trusting that if He so desired, He would make away. We heard nothing and after a while, we were okay with that. He has been teaching us a lot about trust... "Do you trust me?" Bradley has been prompted over and over... "Daughter, how will you respond?" my thoughts continue to discern. Neither of us are naturally very good at either of these so it's amazing to me how He is teaching us together through each of our manners of processing. Having been torn to shreds in this town that God has done so much work in our lives to reveal Himself to us, we had lay our desire for healing here or the leading to be moved in His hands and waited.

Two months ago, the doors were flung wide and we both were at ease as we walked through...  Moving was not our first choice but we are at peace that it is His. We walk confidently knowing that opportunity will arise wherever we are in His will, relationships will be established in a way that is healthy and spiritually nourishing, and ultimately we choose to trust that in spite of the brokenness - He will bring about restoration in His time and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it because His work needs to be carried out in all lives involved.

The long straight stretches of highway in this province can deceive the length it takes to drive them... You can see the destination in the distant glow of night. Funny how we worry and grumble those last hard exhausting miles... it always seems to take forever to reach home... We always do though, by His grace we always do!

So we are off... With nothing to fear because we know the One who is our Counsellor and Provider. The only one who is Love and demonstrates love perfectly by the Lamb for our example.

Bradley has begun a new work in a town I had never been. A day's drive away from those we love and where there are only a handful of faces that we know. Our meagre belongings have been packed, moved and mostly settled in that new place that we both feel is just a little bit ours even though we know it's only for a time. I have returned to this tiny town to follow through with the commitment made to my "kids" here knowing that in 61 days this long stretch will take me to our new place that is home for us now...

I listen for the sound of the train that carries across the miles and pray for him as he works hard to learn his new role. I am so proud of you Bradley... For allowing God to use you as the leader of our home. Thank you for loving me, "this much"... I can't wait to be with you again as we wait on the Lord for continued resolve in our lives!

1 John 4: 1-6, 18-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; ³ and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. ⁴ You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love, because He first loved us. ²⁰ If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

When I'm human...

These days I am often found in a position where I am asked to stay silent... For various reasons. Students confide in that tranquil space where we meet to learn about their God given instrument or that precious one who carried me in her needs someone to confide in as she travels this life alone or situations that have gotten WAY out of hand are best left up to Him who works on our behalf.

To be honest, I am so sick of gossip and the broken trust that comes with it that I am trying very hard to learn what it means to hide words shared with me in my heart.

He see's those words shared when I do this.

That is all that matters.

But what happens when those words are about you and the one you have pledged your life to?

What about when the words I want to say are simply the truth and they are left dying inside because it's "better that way"?
 
I don't have the answer's.

I don't have the patience.

I don't want to fight a battle that is not my own anymore.

I don't want to care any more.

Is it so much to ask for, a simple phone call to say I made a mistake, I'm sorry? or I did it in spite but I'm sorry? or I didn't think about the consequence and I am sorry? or any of the other combinations that we could come up with for the endless ways we humans find to hurt one another?

I don't know about the rest of the world but I know when I have been informed, whether by the Holy Spirit or another human being, that I have hurt someone whether intentionally or honest ignorance I cannot sleep. My work suffers, my relationships suffer, everything suffers until I make that humiliated visit to say "I am so sorry I hurt you". No excuses.

The reality is... I am human.

I read Psalms like 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 over and over and I have to guard myself from lingering on the words that state "All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed..." (Psalm 6:10) because the humanity that surfaces on days like today cause my first reaction to say "thank you Lord" with wrong motivation. If you claim you have never done this very thing then you simply have categorised yourself as a hypocrite because in  one way, shape or form, we have all longed for vengeance.

The other reality it... they are human too.

I know I am not in a position to judge where people are at and honestly it is not a position I want to have. But I can't help myself as I plead for peace just as David did, How long oh Lord?

I re-read over and over the blessings within passages such as those mentioned and push my heart to focus internally where He has His work cut out.


"But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
¹² For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord,
You surround him with favor as with a shield."
Psalm 5:11, 12


I want peace in my life - peace that passes all understanding - peace that can only come from Him. Sometimes that peace comes only when we do what we can to make right of situations before we let those we love be.

I know the plans He has for us are not to harm and I have to remind myself of the promises He has made and release the rest into His care in order live in the fullness of forgiveness and grace.




But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. ²¹ So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19-21

Sort of Day...

Is it just me or do you have those days when you just want to run away from it all? Leave each of them to their own demise because it's just not worth it? and live in the quiet heart of the mountains until He returns to make all things new?

I do.

and today is one of those days.

It just doesn't seem to matter how you look at it, nothing I do or say is going to change anything. I have spent my entire adult life working through the fears of imperfection that was instilled in me at such a young age. Slowly, over the past 9 years, I have learnt to become confident in the skin God gave me and I've actually found myself excited to work hard for my Abba God rather than trying to be perfect for the one who I still hardly know and the ones who think they know me.

I take pride in the precious lives that trust my teaching in the studio as they grow in the Lord and become more confident in who He has created them to be. I take pride in doing my job well even if it's scrubbing ovens that haven't been cleaned in years. I am ever so passionate about the beauty He has given us to through the voices that follow the leading of my hands. I care deeply about the people I interact with day to day in my work even if I have to be firm to get the job done from time to time. I love my husband more each day and have even begun to learn to take joy in rubbing his aching feet when mine ache the same. And although I am far from perfect, I am exactly who I need to be in my Father's eyes because it's Him who I live for.

Does this mean that I am strong enough to take the non-physical beating that I and each one of us has found ourselves oppressed by at one point in time or another? Not in the least. I am not able.

Today is one of those days that I could just pack up and go.
But I won't.
I can't.

If I did, what would be accomplished?

I wouldn't learn that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I wouldn't learn what it is to take what I have in my own weakness succumbed to giving - the ill tasting seed of uneducated judgement. I wouldn't learn the value of taking that moment to breath deeply in order to speak the gentle words that turn wrath.

So what do I do with it? What do I do when I get to feeling like it's that sort of day? The sort of day when I feel completely helpless to the cruelties that all of humanity has dealt with in one way, shape or form? I give myself the freedom to dream of that place which I find peace and then remind myself that it's not about me. It's not about you. It's not even about the place that I work or any other ministry under the sun.

It's about Him and I realise it's a day filled with His presence is the sort of day I am truly craving. It's about Him working in and through you and me for His glory.

I am reminded in this moment that I do not need to bother with fretting about how people perceive me. It really doesn't matter because those people stand in their own way just as much as I do at times.

I know who He is.

I know He is Love. 

and I know that He is working to mold this imperfect ball of clay. I trust this Truth with all that I have been, am now and will be in the future. I know that on these sorts of days, when I am not, He is able.

Romans 8:38-39For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.