My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

The end of the second...

You always hear that the first of year of marriage is always the hardest... It was a doozie but the second was more than a little trying in itself. The truth is, life with people is never easy. Life trying to meet the needs of relationships is "hard work". I laugh at that because it seems that those two words don't do justice to realistic depth of energy that actually goes into it!

It's so easy to put one selfish decision after another creating a web of distraction and destruction. It's so easy to let one hurtful word lead to another and another tearing at the core of the one you've promised to protect with every ounce of your being. It's so very easy to loose sight of why you married each other when we get focused on our own ambitions instead of choosing to see the needs of our partners.

I love my husband.

I know that he loves me.

It isn't perfect. There is much work to be done to heal what's been done and grow into what we have the potential of being.  It is possible though...

We were created to be in a marriage relationship and we are never given more than we are able to deal with. The trick we are learning is the daily choice that is involved in this process of growth. One choice can be the difference between life and death in a marriage. Daily submission to the beautiful God given boundaries and roles that are given in His Word are crucial to growth. 

The second part is the gift and challenge of forgiveness. Every day, we seem to find things that one or the other or both need to seek, receive or extend forgiveness. Whether we choose to seek, receive or extend - well that's a whole other story. But it is our goal.

So today, as he is miles away working on learning a new aspect of his job and I am here listening to the whirring of the dishwasher trying to drown out the song my student sang as I walked down that isle... as I prepare for him to come home soon, I just wanted to take a minute to reflect about us, about that day and about the work HE is faithfully doing in our lives...

I love you Bradley Greene. I always will...

Simplification...

I am home...

Those words still feel strange to say here after 11 years in that 3 bump town...

There is much to be done still as I try to find work while I sort through boxes.  I don't know how we fit it all into that little 600 square foot apartment. Actually, I guess we never really did seen as we every inch of it was used primarily for storage and the guest suite storage was filled with our boxes and my in-law's basement had even more... All things considered, we don't have a "lot" compared to our society's standards (a lot being keepsakes I won't be parting with) but I've been feeling like it's still more than we need. Aside from those few boxes that contain memories of my heritage that will make their appearance someday when we have room enough for a china hutch, there is still a lot that is unnecessary clutter building around us . Even if it's in a box in storage, then what's the point.

The past few years, with all the trauma that has been inflicted on my life I have begun to experience overwhelming senses of panic that causes me to shut down. My chest tightens and breathing is difficult. Thoughts I never thought I would think run wild and I want to escape even the simplest of situations. The things, I suppose have become our way of feeling like there is something in our life we can control so we buy this and pick up that along the way which has caused more issues than just the clutter.

Our life has been anything but peaceful and now that we are here, in this new home that actually feels like a home for us, I have been thinking a lot about all this stuff that surrounds. I had to pack it all in about a three week period and now having more time in the unpacking, I can't help but think about it. We may not be able to do anything about social media being used to try and destroy the people God is trying to mold us into being; I can't do anything about the dreams that I awaken from or the fears that have been burned into me over the past months, but we can take steps to be sure that this home He has brought us to is our safe place.

In taking the time to simplify I am praying a few things might be accomplished...

one... I pray that in doing so, the Lord might do some healing in my life. Maybe in letting go of some of these boxes of cloths that hold dreams of what I used to be will allow me to trust Him more in decisions for today... Don't get me wrong, health and wellness is high of B and my priority right now but the choice has been made that when the work has been done to rid some of this stress from our bodies, then we deserve to put fresh new things on us rather than the past! Ha, trusting the Lord to provide for those new things when the time comes.

two... Maybe I can just accept that taking time for me, for Us, in this process is Okay. It's okay to have a serene place to exist outside of the chaos of work and life not in our control. We are in the real world again where we can have people God brings into our life who are safe for us to enter into a real relationship with. You see, that is another journey I've been on... the irony of safe relationships for a blogger... another conversation for another day.

three... It's probably good for me to actually learn again how to set goals for myself and see them through to accomplishment. I've been afraid these past two years, that nothing I do or say or can ever be will be good enough. So I don't because then I don't have to fail. The problem is, the perspective of others really doesn't matter... It's so easily construed to be what ever anyone wants to make of my life. I wonder if that's how God feels about His Word sometimes, when it's used to kill and destroy instead of building into people? I know what is what in my heart as I wrestle life with God. That's all that matters. I don't have to be afraid.

I am nervous for this process... Once upon a time, I was a relatively confident person yet I haven't hardly managed to read through an entire book in the past months, let alone set up the task of re-organizing my life!

I haven't had the strength to really consider the changes that have occurred the past couple years. But I think I am ready. I think I need to be ready now. I can't expect change in my life if I don't take even the most hesitant, baby steps towards these goals of building a balances healthy life for myself, for us, for them...

It starts here, it starts now...

Imperfect, messy but His Grace is enough...

Romans 12

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

 

³ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. ⁴ For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, ⁵ so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. ⁶ Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; ⁷ or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; ⁸ he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

 

⁹ Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; ¹¹ not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; ¹² rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; ¹³ distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

 

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

 

¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹ Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 

 

 ²⁰ Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

If he is thirsty, give him a drink;

For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Dear Mama...

There are times in life when I am far away from the only one on this earth who truly can say she loved me from the beginning of my being... The one who gave so much of herself to give life to us four. In those times God gives us surrogates in a way. Mother figures that come in various forms.

I am so grateful for my Mama but also for these other women in my life.  All women who have loved me, challenged me, listened to me, laughed with me, cried for me, sought after God along side of me... Each holds her own portion of this heart I've been given and as I reflect today on their examples I know I am blessed to have the love of each one and to have the opportunity to love in return.

To the one who gave of herself to give life to me...


I love you Mom...

I am so thankful for you in my life and couldn't ask for a better example of generous love than that which you show me! Your strength is an inspiration and although I recognise that you are down on yourself more often than not, your courage to do right by your flesh and blood is more than any child could desire.

Mom, we've walked some very hard roads together. Ones where we disagreed. Ones where I hurt you and you hurt me. You know what though, I am thankful because of the beautiful scenes that followed these hard times. Some trails shorter than others but you've been there. I couldn't ask for more than for you to just have been there.

I couldn't be more proud than to watch you allow the Holy Spirit do His work in your life as you seek after His will for you and for us, your forever babes. Thank you for being God's vessel in our lives and for teaching us of His love as best you could, in the ways you understood. Thank you for being gracious even when this cheeky young woman was anything but. Thank you for being you and only you!!! I wouldn't change a thing!

In the words of my favourite story by Robert Munsch...


"I'll love you forever,

       I'll like you for always,

           As long as I'm living my mommy you'll be."     

Proverbs 31

 

Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed   

                                                                      

Transitions...

It's been a while eh? I had every intention of meeting with you here in this space much more often but lets face it, life gets in the way when big times of transition are met. Seasons change and this past one has been terribly busy with a couple ounces of hard.

The most recent transition: I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AGAIN! Praise God that we still like each other after being apart for the past 3.5 months. Easy transition, not really. Good transition, more good than easy. Needed, is that even a question?

It's been a long, hard wait.

The transitions leading up to being in my new home with my beloved have been some of the most rewarding and yet ferociously difficult ones. Some of the things I've spent the past 3.5 months working on:

• pouring everything I have into "my kids", aka my students.
• planning and preparing all kinds of music, presentations and organising "extensions" with the choir who worked so hard to accomplish the incredibly lofty goals I set before them.
• humbling myself to take up work at my college work place Subway.
• started a new direct sales business with Lia Sophia Jewelry www.liasophia.ca/jessicagreene
• working through how to deal with what I am now confident was a vision from the Lord that came to me in a dream 8 years ago in my Junior year at Prairie - the second of three dreams that came three nights in a row. Another topic for another day, maybe.
• trying to say goodbye to as many loved ones in the lower areas of AB that I could before making the journey north.
• enjoying as many "last time" moments.
• slowly but surely packed the meagre belongings of the studio that had become such a part of Gods faithfulness in my life, growth in the creativity and passion He has given me and space that housed beautiful strength as .I journeyed life with so many young people.

The transitions now:

• Living with a boy again with more laundry than usual and having to deal with my blanket thief.
• Getting used to the ridiculous that my dear husband works... I mean really ridiculous! Including the multiple phone calls through out the night from being on call 24/7.
• Learning my where abouts in this new to me city - I've only got lost once :)
• Unpacking, sorting, repacking, moving, adjusting, readjusting, filing, and repeat as many times as needed to get all our stuff figured out. This will be a while yet.
• Cooking every day, multiple times a day in fact.
• Playing my well loved electric piano with rattling and failing speakers instead of my beautiful baby grand that has been my blessing to care for over the past almost 5 years.
• Trying to figure out routine amid trying to get my DS Lia Sophia business underway when I know 2 people in town. I'm getting pretty good at just starting conversations with ladies in random stores, banks, and at the dance adjudication that Bradley's little cousin was participating in. We'll see if anything comes of said conversations.
• Applying for part time work until said DS business takes off.
• Church "hunting", so to say, and trying to determine what the Lord would have for us here.

So needless to say, a lot has been going on and I have a lot to think through in my own heart as we settle here in our home. Some of those thoughts may end up here but I am excited to look forward to what the days ahead will hold.

For now, after only 3 hours of sleep last night and 13 hour shift today, my dear husband is passed out on the couch and I have a kitchen to clean before I can get to sleep myself for a while before the ringing of that phone begins...

Good night all...

Philipians 3

 

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. ¹⁶ Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind.

 

¹⁷ Brethren, join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern.¹⁸ For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ:
¹⁹ whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame—who set their mind on earthly things.

 

  ²⁰ For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

For I know who I have believed...

In preparing for our Choir concerts which are one week from today, my heart is torn in so many emotions. "Wondrous Love"... will likely be my last musical ministry event on the campus of Prairie Bible Institute.

This place that I came to really know who God is and who I am being molded to be by His hands has been a place that has caused great joy, peace, brokenness (good and bad), healing, and so much more. I never imagined that when I arrived on this campus 11 years ago, I would be leaving with such mixed emotion.

I've moved 17 times in 11 years and no move has been filled with more exhaustive emotions as this one and it's all I can do to stay focused on the tasks at hand... The majority of the moving is done, Bradley has passed with flying colours his testing for his new position, the end of the school year is upon us and in 22 days I will be able to sleep in my own bed with my best friend at my side once again...

I am grieving dreams of arts and ministry and the beautiful relationships with "my kids" (my students). I am terrified of the unknown. I am thrilled to be rid of the horrible gossip that comes with a small town full of people with not enough to do. I am excited to finally have the chance to live life with my husband after months of being apart. I am scared at the same time to fail miserably as his wife and best friend as we start a fresh in that rented out humble home that is exactly all we need.

Despite my under normal circumstances secure and confident person, I am human and fall privy to the untruths that life and brokenness have thrown our way. I've spent the past while speaking to "my kids" about this Wondrous Love of the God we serve. How many times have I said to them that just as God leads us away from my position teaching them, He has great plans that are not all about me.

They are watching, they see what is being said and how we are being treated. They are wise. Young but their eyes are not blind. They have been to me Gods Hands and Feet as they see the truth of who God has created Bradley and I to be. By His Grace and His grace alone.

They have loved us, worked hard to fulfil the dreams of keeping music and arts alive on the campus under my direction, and I know they are praying for God to bring them someone who is hopefully even more crazy passionate about them first and the program second than I am.

So tonight as I struggle with high emotions caused by stresses that I have no power over, I turn to "my" passage of Scripture... The one I have turned to for years when I need to be reminded of His great love for me...

I know who I have believed and as I prepare to join my husband I know we have waited, prayed and are following His leading with our heads high and our knees bent before the One who is Love!




Romans 8
(biblegateway.com NKJV)

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. ⁷ Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. ⁸ So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹ But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. ¹⁰ And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Sonship Through the Spirit

¹² Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 

 ¹⁴ For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. ¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

From Suffering to Glory

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; ²¹ because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. ²² For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. ²³ Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

²⁶ Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us^[b] with groanings which cannot be uttered. ²⁷ Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. ³⁰ Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

³³ Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 

³⁴ Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”^[c]

³⁷ Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Perseverance is not about me...

"Christian perseverance is about God's faithfulness not our ability or strength" preached Pastor Brad Harback yesterday morning... Those words hit me like a semi-truck and I didn't hear anything else for a moment or two, or three.
 
His Faithfulness.
 
There it is again...
 
I've spent countless hours working numerous jobs recently to make ends meet along with trying to fit in all my planning for our Choir program... We perform this weekend and my heart still wrestles with scripture and vision and just what is interpreted correctly. My "kids" are so patient and eager to learn and I  know there are co-workers amid that think I am inadequate.

People in this community who think I shouldn't be in spiritual leadership of the kind I am in. Working with young people who are impressionable. Obviously chooseing to marry someone who is open about his past life is a worse sinner than those who run the church and hide thier sins of judgement and condemnation. Maybe even worse, they don't hide it and yet get away with it because we wouldn't dare call them out on how they've treated those of us who are "beneath" them in the scale of sin.

My husband and I walk confidently in the knowledge that our God is our Savior. He has forgiven and whether people want to let it go themselves, is not our problem. Even still, I am human and there is only so much slander and malicious gossip from "friends" and people who think they know you but really only know what has been said about you along with hurtful words from those who are in authority over you either in the workplace or in the church that one can be afforded before a person questions. (This leads to another subject that was impressed on my heart about the Church and how we ought not to give up on it because again, it's not about the people who run the church... I will blog about that at a later date)

I know very well in my head that I do not need to justify my life or choices because I know where my heart lies and it's with my Jesus... He speaks to my spirit and leads my life as I seek after Him. But there are times, in my humanity that I do doubt myself and my God and think I am inadequate.
 
I found myself challenged at one of my places of work this week and a young mother who I have known for years came right out in earnest seeking and asking "Why?" Why is it that I believe what I believe, terrified of the end time as she was raised Catholic and has been reading through revelations... What makes my faith different from all other religions of the world? and I stumbled, I wasn't prepared, I haven't had to be prepared for a long time in this place of self righteousness. My words I fear were inadequate.
 
The past two years I've face more false accusations and emotional trauma caused by the brokenness of others. I've wrestled with choices loved ones make and the attitudes and judgement of other loved ones... I've struggled with my husband. Oh I love him with all my heart but we struggle and how I've chosen to respond to all of these situations has often been inadequate...
 
Who am I kidding?
 
On this earth - I am never going to be adequate.
 
I am never going to be able to live up to the expectations of people around me let alone the expectations of my own self as I explore HIS Word and try to reflect it in my choices.
 
I can't do it.
 
And I don't have to.
 
Because it's about His faithfulness... His love for us.
 
Isn't that what Scripture talks about when it is said
 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God,  not by works, so that no one can boast."     Ephesians 2:8-9...

 

"For GOD so LOVED the world that

He gave His one and only Son" ...

 

to die on the cross as the only pure sacrificial Lamb fulfilling the Old Testament prophecy as our High Priest

 

..."so that WHO EVER believes in Him

will not perish but have everlasting life"    

 John 3:16

 
His faithfulness does not mean that we will live without suffering... Grateful for my freedom in this world, I fear that we become complacent in our faith because of it.

We say that we can find our refuge in life if we are good enough, make enough money, hang out with the proper people... It's not about that. It's about HIM. The end times will come and depending on your interpretation we may be called to experience death on this earth in ways that seem unfathomable...
 
But how will we choose to respond...
 
Will we choose to realise that its about His faithfulness? That He who began a good work in us will fulfil it when we meet Him in glory?
 
I want to choose life in Christ... I choose to believe that there is nothing I can do to be good enough because that would defeat Christs death and Resurrection to make a way. Its very clear when Jesus states in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"...
 
I know all of this in my heart but sometimes we need to be reminded; to be sharpened so that we are prepared with an answer. Just because the race of this life may seem long and our bodies begin to ache from the painful burn of what ever situation you have or are experiencing, as we push forward we know...

He is faithful.

 

"...let us lay aside every weight,

and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 

looking unto Jesus, t

he author and finisher of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross,

despising the shame,

 and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

 

Hebrews 12:1-2 

Monologue from a student...

This monologue was written by one of my students, Elizabeth Peters, who perfectly depicts the story and emotion that will be shared by the choir I conduct here on April 13th... Wondrous Love! Thank you Elizabeth for giving permission to share this script, one that captures my own searching heart of humanity and response to sin!

David: the man after God’s own heart

Failure!!!  I try, and I try, and still I stumble, time and again. 
This should not happen, not to me.  I am a king, a leader of men, responsible before God for my people.  If anyone needs to have it put together, that should be me.  Why is it so difficult?  It is maddening, frustrating, and so discouraging to fall again, just when you thought you had it right. 

            From the time I was a small boy I have searched after God.  My heart has cried out for him all my life.  It’s not easy growing up as the Lord’s anointed, with the expectation to behave perfectly, the responsibility on your shoulders.  But God was with me, and for years I walked so confidently.  I knew my God and I knew He wouldn’t let me down.  But then I became complacent.

            It wasn’t so bad at first, a little slip, a stumble now and again.  It’s easy to rectify those mistakes.  Then those small things become bigger things.  I praise God with my lips then go out and deny Him by my actions.  How could he save a wretch like me?  But He does.  I am astounded every time, but He saves me from myself and sets my feet on the rock once more.  But every time it’s harder to get back up.  Yes, I can struggle to my feet, but it feels like I spend most of my life flat on my face in the dust.  And every time, without fail, someone is there to witness my brokenness.  People begin to lose faith in my ability to lead.  It is a vicious cycle of doubt, trusting my own ability, and failing.  Those who talk only see my failure.  They don’t see me crying out to God, begging Him for help.  They don’t understand what it is to experience His forgiveness.  He does forgive; He will never forsake me.

But it’s all head knowledge.  I can think it and say it, but still my wandering heart doubts.  At what point will I truly begin to believe the things I say?  If I really believed it, I wouldn’t fall so often.  But here I am, on my knees again.  I have fallen in sin and now I fall
before God. 

           Search me, O God, and find my weaknesses. 
I know you can, and you will. 
Have you ever failed me? 
No, not once, despite how often I fail you. 

You love has never wavered.  You never weaken.  I try, and I
try, and you never desert me.  I’m facedown here, God. 

My heart is heavy within me.  Can you see my tears, tears of

anguish.  I failed miserably, and this time I don’t know if
there is any way to make it right.  I’m done, God.  I can’t do

this anymore.  Where else can I go?  There is nowhere to

turn but to you.

A Psalm from me... pleading mercy.

Oh God, I'm just going to be real and raw here for a minute because I am sick and I am tired and I just don't feel like going with the flow anymore!

I know you didn't intend for the world to be as it is. When you first spoke life into being, it was good. I understand your heart must break for the brokenness of this world that continues to comb through the lives of the beings you knit together so intricately in the likeness of your image.

Yet illness plagues.
Choices are made.

Lives are
b r o k e n
s h a t t e r e d
t o r n

People are angry. With each other. With you.

Forgiveness is held back.

Bitterness seeps even the hearts of those who claim to love in Your name the same as those who don't and refuse to listen to your voice prompting.

When will the turmoil end?

When will those who are so stubborn realise the damage being caused?

Only You are capable of healing the broken, giving life to the dead in spirit, encompassing those who struggle with You in and of yourself with the peace that passes all understanding...

I do not have all the answers for loved ones lost or brokenness of spirit amongst those who remain searching for understanding... Only faith of a mustard seed do I have tonight as I lay awake angry myself with the life that I cannot control and praying for those I love: some near, some across the way and some who choose to remain far away.

YES... I am frustrated and angry and unheard and overwhelmed!

Oh God I pray that you heal hearts before life takes its final breath...

There is no way of knowing what breath is our last.

This week I found out that a young woman, beautiful God-fearing mother and wife has breathed her last breath here on this earth. I looked up to her when I was young. Her Father, my pastor for years. Vibrant and in love with the Lord. Cancer made it's bed in her body and You allowed her to be healed on this anniversary of her earthly birth by receiving her into Your presence.

Why her? I know she believed but it doesn't ease the pain right now for those loving her and missing her.

Not to long back, my husband lost a brother from his time served. He lived through wars only to pass having fallen asleep driving not far from his home. I've never met him personally but I have heard the stories and I see the love of those who knew him well...
             
Why him? was he ready to meet you?

What about the other unknowns in this world. So many I grieve and I know we will never get to know where each stands but it doesn't change that I am weak and wish I could...

Of all the people in the world to suffer...

THERE ARE JUST SO MANY ...

People dying, sin overwhelming, hatred rising, forgiveness ceasing, marriages breaking, children weeping, churches abandon, and NO ONE TAKES RESPONSIBILITY...

Save us from our own destruction God...

Save me from my own pride and rage... I am so VERY weak I am reminded in these days. Talk the talk all I want but you see the depth of my pain. There is no place I can go that you do not see. No emotion that I feel that you have not felt. You know and I know you are near.

Give your creation, your children, the clarity to see You... the desire to submit to Your prompting... Reveal yourself to those who question and run. Draw them to the Truth...

Only You are the example of Love we should look to.
The Author and Perfecter  of our Faith.
The One who knows and has sacrificed it all for our sake.
You alone are worthy to be praised.

Tomorrow will come, but it may not be ours so move swiftly and have mercy on us Lord as this moment is the only one that you have given.