My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

Waiting for the morning...

It's amazing to me how long these northern Alberta nights are. I was out driving last night just spending some much needed time with the Lord and it was so light, so late. 11:45pm and there was still a stripe of pink across that horizon above the hills and trees.

It really is beautiful up here. Absolutely beautiful. And there are even a few lakes. Still not quite like the lakes I swam in as a child but they are there for me to enjoy. The trees and hills and herds of animals everywhere!

Even in the city itself, I'm amazed as I venture out how many parks surround. Manicured beautifully for residents to enjoy. Bored people are boring people I heard once and here, as long as you don't mind your walking shoes there seems to be endless opportunity to enjoy life.

My job is going well. Part time with funny gals to share the few hours a week preparing orders for weddings and other parties. I'm still waiting for my Lia Sophia business to take off up here so I keep my nose to the ground and work hard to promote.

I keep waiting for the morning though...
I've been promised that it will bring Joy...

It's hard to wait out the storms of life. You see I'm not a very patient person it seems. Always thought I was but it's lessened a great deal these past couple years. As beautiful as that glowing pink I see spanning the sky when I should be sleeping I can't help but be thankful for it's beauty while being reminded that the nights can be long sometimes.

I long for the morning, the dawn that brings the joy of the Lord. I know it will come. I have seen the promises of our God over and over so I choose to tell that creeping doubt where to go in Jesus Name!

Resting in His arms, taking one moment at a time, I trust in His promises for us here in this new town He led us too.

Simplification...

I am home...

Those words still feel strange to say here after 11 years in that 3 bump town...

There is much to be done still as I try to find work while I sort through boxes.  I don't know how we fit it all into that little 600 square foot apartment. Actually, I guess we never really did seen as we every inch of it was used primarily for storage and the guest suite storage was filled with our boxes and my in-law's basement had even more... All things considered, we don't have a "lot" compared to our society's standards (a lot being keepsakes I won't be parting with) but I've been feeling like it's still more than we need. Aside from those few boxes that contain memories of my heritage that will make their appearance someday when we have room enough for a china hutch, there is still a lot that is unnecessary clutter building around us . Even if it's in a box in storage, then what's the point.

The past few years, with all the trauma that has been inflicted on my life I have begun to experience overwhelming senses of panic that causes me to shut down. My chest tightens and breathing is difficult. Thoughts I never thought I would think run wild and I want to escape even the simplest of situations. The things, I suppose have become our way of feeling like there is something in our life we can control so we buy this and pick up that along the way which has caused more issues than just the clutter.

Our life has been anything but peaceful and now that we are here, in this new home that actually feels like a home for us, I have been thinking a lot about all this stuff that surrounds. I had to pack it all in about a three week period and now having more time in the unpacking, I can't help but think about it. We may not be able to do anything about social media being used to try and destroy the people God is trying to mold us into being; I can't do anything about the dreams that I awaken from or the fears that have been burned into me over the past months, but we can take steps to be sure that this home He has brought us to is our safe place.

In taking the time to simplify I am praying a few things might be accomplished...

one... I pray that in doing so, the Lord might do some healing in my life. Maybe in letting go of some of these boxes of cloths that hold dreams of what I used to be will allow me to trust Him more in decisions for today... Don't get me wrong, health and wellness is high of B and my priority right now but the choice has been made that when the work has been done to rid some of this stress from our bodies, then we deserve to put fresh new things on us rather than the past! Ha, trusting the Lord to provide for those new things when the time comes.

two... Maybe I can just accept that taking time for me, for Us, in this process is Okay. It's okay to have a serene place to exist outside of the chaos of work and life not in our control. We are in the real world again where we can have people God brings into our life who are safe for us to enter into a real relationship with. You see, that is another journey I've been on... the irony of safe relationships for a blogger... another conversation for another day.

three... It's probably good for me to actually learn again how to set goals for myself and see them through to accomplishment. I've been afraid these past two years, that nothing I do or say or can ever be will be good enough. So I don't because then I don't have to fail. The problem is, the perspective of others really doesn't matter... It's so easily construed to be what ever anyone wants to make of my life. I wonder if that's how God feels about His Word sometimes, when it's used to kill and destroy instead of building into people? I know what is what in my heart as I wrestle life with God. That's all that matters. I don't have to be afraid.

I am nervous for this process... Once upon a time, I was a relatively confident person yet I haven't hardly managed to read through an entire book in the past months, let alone set up the task of re-organizing my life!

I haven't had the strength to really consider the changes that have occurred the past couple years. But I think I am ready. I think I need to be ready now. I can't expect change in my life if I don't take even the most hesitant, baby steps towards these goals of building a balances healthy life for myself, for us, for them...

It starts here, it starts now...

Imperfect, messy but His Grace is enough...

Romans 12

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

 

³ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. ⁴ For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, ⁵ so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. ⁶ Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; ⁷ or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; ⁸ he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

 

⁹ Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; ¹¹ not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; ¹² rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; ¹³ distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

 

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

 

¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹ Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 

 

 ²⁰ Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

If he is thirsty, give him a drink;

For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Transitions...

It's been a while eh? I had every intention of meeting with you here in this space much more often but lets face it, life gets in the way when big times of transition are met. Seasons change and this past one has been terribly busy with a couple ounces of hard.

The most recent transition: I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AGAIN! Praise God that we still like each other after being apart for the past 3.5 months. Easy transition, not really. Good transition, more good than easy. Needed, is that even a question?

It's been a long, hard wait.

The transitions leading up to being in my new home with my beloved have been some of the most rewarding and yet ferociously difficult ones. Some of the things I've spent the past 3.5 months working on:

• pouring everything I have into "my kids", aka my students.
• planning and preparing all kinds of music, presentations and organising "extensions" with the choir who worked so hard to accomplish the incredibly lofty goals I set before them.
• humbling myself to take up work at my college work place Subway.
• started a new direct sales business with Lia Sophia Jewelry www.liasophia.ca/jessicagreene
• working through how to deal with what I am now confident was a vision from the Lord that came to me in a dream 8 years ago in my Junior year at Prairie - the second of three dreams that came three nights in a row. Another topic for another day, maybe.
• trying to say goodbye to as many loved ones in the lower areas of AB that I could before making the journey north.
• enjoying as many "last time" moments.
• slowly but surely packed the meagre belongings of the studio that had become such a part of Gods faithfulness in my life, growth in the creativity and passion He has given me and space that housed beautiful strength as .I journeyed life with so many young people.

The transitions now:

• Living with a boy again with more laundry than usual and having to deal with my blanket thief.
• Getting used to the ridiculous that my dear husband works... I mean really ridiculous! Including the multiple phone calls through out the night from being on call 24/7.
• Learning my where abouts in this new to me city - I've only got lost once :)
• Unpacking, sorting, repacking, moving, adjusting, readjusting, filing, and repeat as many times as needed to get all our stuff figured out. This will be a while yet.
• Cooking every day, multiple times a day in fact.
• Playing my well loved electric piano with rattling and failing speakers instead of my beautiful baby grand that has been my blessing to care for over the past almost 5 years.
• Trying to figure out routine amid trying to get my DS Lia Sophia business underway when I know 2 people in town. I'm getting pretty good at just starting conversations with ladies in random stores, banks, and at the dance adjudication that Bradley's little cousin was participating in. We'll see if anything comes of said conversations.
• Applying for part time work until said DS business takes off.
• Church "hunting", so to say, and trying to determine what the Lord would have for us here.

So needless to say, a lot has been going on and I have a lot to think through in my own heart as we settle here in our home. Some of those thoughts may end up here but I am excited to look forward to what the days ahead will hold.

For now, after only 3 hours of sleep last night and 13 hour shift today, my dear husband is passed out on the couch and I have a kitchen to clean before I can get to sleep myself for a while before the ringing of that phone begins...

Good night all...

Philipians 3

 

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. ¹⁶ Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind.

 

¹⁷ Brethren, join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern.¹⁸ For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ:
¹⁹ whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame—who set their mind on earthly things.

 

  ²⁰ For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

For I know who I have believed...

In preparing for our Choir concerts which are one week from today, my heart is torn in so many emotions. "Wondrous Love"... will likely be my last musical ministry event on the campus of Prairie Bible Institute.

This place that I came to really know who God is and who I am being molded to be by His hands has been a place that has caused great joy, peace, brokenness (good and bad), healing, and so much more. I never imagined that when I arrived on this campus 11 years ago, I would be leaving with such mixed emotion.

I've moved 17 times in 11 years and no move has been filled with more exhaustive emotions as this one and it's all I can do to stay focused on the tasks at hand... The majority of the moving is done, Bradley has passed with flying colours his testing for his new position, the end of the school year is upon us and in 22 days I will be able to sleep in my own bed with my best friend at my side once again...

I am grieving dreams of arts and ministry and the beautiful relationships with "my kids" (my students). I am terrified of the unknown. I am thrilled to be rid of the horrible gossip that comes with a small town full of people with not enough to do. I am excited to finally have the chance to live life with my husband after months of being apart. I am scared at the same time to fail miserably as his wife and best friend as we start a fresh in that rented out humble home that is exactly all we need.

Despite my under normal circumstances secure and confident person, I am human and fall privy to the untruths that life and brokenness have thrown our way. I've spent the past while speaking to "my kids" about this Wondrous Love of the God we serve. How many times have I said to them that just as God leads us away from my position teaching them, He has great plans that are not all about me.

They are watching, they see what is being said and how we are being treated. They are wise. Young but their eyes are not blind. They have been to me Gods Hands and Feet as they see the truth of who God has created Bradley and I to be. By His Grace and His grace alone.

They have loved us, worked hard to fulfil the dreams of keeping music and arts alive on the campus under my direction, and I know they are praying for God to bring them someone who is hopefully even more crazy passionate about them first and the program second than I am.

So tonight as I struggle with high emotions caused by stresses that I have no power over, I turn to "my" passage of Scripture... The one I have turned to for years when I need to be reminded of His great love for me...

I know who I have believed and as I prepare to join my husband I know we have waited, prayed and are following His leading with our heads high and our knees bent before the One who is Love!




Romans 8
(biblegateway.com NKJV)

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. ⁷ Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. ⁸ So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹ But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. ¹⁰ And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Sonship Through the Spirit

¹² Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 

 ¹⁴ For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. ¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

From Suffering to Glory

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; ²¹ because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. ²² For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. ²³ Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

²⁶ Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us^[b] with groanings which cannot be uttered. ²⁷ Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. ³⁰ Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

³³ Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 

³⁴ Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”^[c]

³⁷ Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Perseverance is not about me...

"Christian perseverance is about God's faithfulness not our ability or strength" preached Pastor Brad Harback yesterday morning... Those words hit me like a semi-truck and I didn't hear anything else for a moment or two, or three.
 
His Faithfulness.
 
There it is again...
 
I've spent countless hours working numerous jobs recently to make ends meet along with trying to fit in all my planning for our Choir program... We perform this weekend and my heart still wrestles with scripture and vision and just what is interpreted correctly. My "kids" are so patient and eager to learn and I  know there are co-workers amid that think I am inadequate.

People in this community who think I shouldn't be in spiritual leadership of the kind I am in. Working with young people who are impressionable. Obviously chooseing to marry someone who is open about his past life is a worse sinner than those who run the church and hide thier sins of judgement and condemnation. Maybe even worse, they don't hide it and yet get away with it because we wouldn't dare call them out on how they've treated those of us who are "beneath" them in the scale of sin.

My husband and I walk confidently in the knowledge that our God is our Savior. He has forgiven and whether people want to let it go themselves, is not our problem. Even still, I am human and there is only so much slander and malicious gossip from "friends" and people who think they know you but really only know what has been said about you along with hurtful words from those who are in authority over you either in the workplace or in the church that one can be afforded before a person questions. (This leads to another subject that was impressed on my heart about the Church and how we ought not to give up on it because again, it's not about the people who run the church... I will blog about that at a later date)

I know very well in my head that I do not need to justify my life or choices because I know where my heart lies and it's with my Jesus... He speaks to my spirit and leads my life as I seek after Him. But there are times, in my humanity that I do doubt myself and my God and think I am inadequate.
 
I found myself challenged at one of my places of work this week and a young mother who I have known for years came right out in earnest seeking and asking "Why?" Why is it that I believe what I believe, terrified of the end time as she was raised Catholic and has been reading through revelations... What makes my faith different from all other religions of the world? and I stumbled, I wasn't prepared, I haven't had to be prepared for a long time in this place of self righteousness. My words I fear were inadequate.
 
The past two years I've face more false accusations and emotional trauma caused by the brokenness of others. I've wrestled with choices loved ones make and the attitudes and judgement of other loved ones... I've struggled with my husband. Oh I love him with all my heart but we struggle and how I've chosen to respond to all of these situations has often been inadequate...
 
Who am I kidding?
 
On this earth - I am never going to be adequate.
 
I am never going to be able to live up to the expectations of people around me let alone the expectations of my own self as I explore HIS Word and try to reflect it in my choices.
 
I can't do it.
 
And I don't have to.
 
Because it's about His faithfulness... His love for us.
 
Isn't that what Scripture talks about when it is said
 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God,  not by works, so that no one can boast."     Ephesians 2:8-9...

 

"For GOD so LOVED the world that

He gave His one and only Son" ...

 

to die on the cross as the only pure sacrificial Lamb fulfilling the Old Testament prophecy as our High Priest

 

..."so that WHO EVER believes in Him

will not perish but have everlasting life"    

 John 3:16

 
His faithfulness does not mean that we will live without suffering... Grateful for my freedom in this world, I fear that we become complacent in our faith because of it.

We say that we can find our refuge in life if we are good enough, make enough money, hang out with the proper people... It's not about that. It's about HIM. The end times will come and depending on your interpretation we may be called to experience death on this earth in ways that seem unfathomable...
 
But how will we choose to respond...
 
Will we choose to realise that its about His faithfulness? That He who began a good work in us will fulfil it when we meet Him in glory?
 
I want to choose life in Christ... I choose to believe that there is nothing I can do to be good enough because that would defeat Christs death and Resurrection to make a way. Its very clear when Jesus states in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"...
 
I know all of this in my heart but sometimes we need to be reminded; to be sharpened so that we are prepared with an answer. Just because the race of this life may seem long and our bodies begin to ache from the painful burn of what ever situation you have or are experiencing, as we push forward we know...

He is faithful.

 

"...let us lay aside every weight,

and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 

looking unto Jesus, t

he author and finisher of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross,

despising the shame,

 and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

 

Hebrews 12:1-2