A Psalm from me... pleading mercy.

Oh God, I'm just going to be real and raw here for a minute because I am sick and I am tired and I just don't feel like going with the flow anymore!

I know you didn't intend for the world to be as it is. When you first spoke life into being, it was good. I understand your heart must break for the brokenness of this world that continues to comb through the lives of the beings you knit together so intricately in the likeness of your image.

Yet illness plagues.
Choices are made.

Lives are
b r o k e n
s h a t t e r e d
t o r n

People are angry. With each other. With you.

Forgiveness is held back.

Bitterness seeps even the hearts of those who claim to love in Your name the same as those who don't and refuse to listen to your voice prompting.

When will the turmoil end?

When will those who are so stubborn realise the damage being caused?

Only You are capable of healing the broken, giving life to the dead in spirit, encompassing those who struggle with You in and of yourself with the peace that passes all understanding...

I do not have all the answers for loved ones lost or brokenness of spirit amongst those who remain searching for understanding... Only faith of a mustard seed do I have tonight as I lay awake angry myself with the life that I cannot control and praying for those I love: some near, some across the way and some who choose to remain far away.

YES... I am frustrated and angry and unheard and overwhelmed!

Oh God I pray that you heal hearts before life takes its final breath...

There is no way of knowing what breath is our last.

This week I found out that a young woman, beautiful God-fearing mother and wife has breathed her last breath here on this earth. I looked up to her when I was young. Her Father, my pastor for years. Vibrant and in love with the Lord. Cancer made it's bed in her body and You allowed her to be healed on this anniversary of her earthly birth by receiving her into Your presence.

Why her? I know she believed but it doesn't ease the pain right now for those loving her and missing her.

Not to long back, my husband lost a brother from his time served. He lived through wars only to pass having fallen asleep driving not far from his home. I've never met him personally but I have heard the stories and I see the love of those who knew him well...
             
Why him? was he ready to meet you?

What about the other unknowns in this world. So many I grieve and I know we will never get to know where each stands but it doesn't change that I am weak and wish I could...

Of all the people in the world to suffer...

THERE ARE JUST SO MANY ...

People dying, sin overwhelming, hatred rising, forgiveness ceasing, marriages breaking, children weeping, churches abandon, and NO ONE TAKES RESPONSIBILITY...

Save us from our own destruction God...

Save me from my own pride and rage... I am so VERY weak I am reminded in these days. Talk the talk all I want but you see the depth of my pain. There is no place I can go that you do not see. No emotion that I feel that you have not felt. You know and I know you are near.

Give your creation, your children, the clarity to see You... the desire to submit to Your prompting... Reveal yourself to those who question and run. Draw them to the Truth...

Only You are the example of Love we should look to.
The Author and Perfecter  of our Faith.
The One who knows and has sacrificed it all for our sake.
You alone are worthy to be praised.

Tomorrow will come, but it may not be ours so move swiftly and have mercy on us Lord as this moment is the only one that you have given.

When the road is long...

This province that God has made my home has grown on me the past 11 years... For miles around you can see from the top of our third hill. Stunning in the summer months when all you can see is brightly coloured fields. Blinding in the winter as the sun cascades the snow covered frozen land. Humbling in the middle of the night when you can't begin to count the stars in a fraction of the sky that loom's over head. I am in awe of it's beauty... knowing that when He created it, it was good! Just for us to enjoy.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to write to you... the unknown world of listeners... I trust you are well and I thank you for your patience as the past two months have been so overwhelming for my beloved and I.

Before the past two months, God has had us on our knees the past two years... Praying for healing and  restoration in various situations of our lives. Sometimes in our pleading, God says "it's not time". We did not want to run like Jonah... Been there and done that. We have nothing to run from for we know who our Redeemer is whether or not others want to acknowledge that we are all sinners saved by grace no different one to the next. Our hearts desire has been to be patient as we wait for His perfect timing.

6 months ago he tossed out resumes, trusting that if He so desired, He would make away. We heard nothing and after a while, we were okay with that. He has been teaching us a lot about trust... "Do you trust me?" Bradley has been prompted over and over... "Daughter, how will you respond?" my thoughts continue to discern. Neither of us are naturally very good at either of these so it's amazing to me how He is teaching us together through each of our manners of processing. Having been torn to shreds in this town that God has done so much work in our lives to reveal Himself to us, we had lay our desire for healing here or the leading to be moved in His hands and waited.

Two months ago, the doors were flung wide and we both were at ease as we walked through...  Moving was not our first choice but we are at peace that it is His. We walk confidently knowing that opportunity will arise wherever we are in His will, relationships will be established in a way that is healthy and spiritually nourishing, and ultimately we choose to trust that in spite of the brokenness - He will bring about restoration in His time and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it because His work needs to be carried out in all lives involved.

The long straight stretches of highway in this province can deceive the length it takes to drive them... You can see the destination in the distant glow of night. Funny how we worry and grumble those last hard exhausting miles... it always seems to take forever to reach home... We always do though, by His grace we always do!

So we are off... With nothing to fear because we know the One who is our Counsellor and Provider. The only one who is Love and demonstrates love perfectly by the Lamb for our example.

Bradley has begun a new work in a town I had never been. A day's drive away from those we love and where there are only a handful of faces that we know. Our meagre belongings have been packed, moved and mostly settled in that new place that we both feel is just a little bit ours even though we know it's only for a time. I have returned to this tiny town to follow through with the commitment made to my "kids" here knowing that in 61 days this long stretch will take me to our new place that is home for us now...

I listen for the sound of the train that carries across the miles and pray for him as he works hard to learn his new role. I am so proud of you Bradley... For allowing God to use you as the leader of our home. Thank you for loving me, "this much"... I can't wait to be with you again as we wait on the Lord for continued resolve in our lives!

1 John 4: 1-6, 18-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; ³ and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. ⁴ You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love, because He first loved us. ²⁰ If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

In memory of the fallen...

Today is a day of Remembrance in our home.

November 7th, 2003 was the last sunrise that those brave men, Kyran, Ben, Paul and Scott, who were aboard the Lancer 431 would ever see.

Today, even more so than any other day of the year, I watch Bradley's head hang low and tears fill his eyes as he reflects on the lives of those 4. Men who he lived with, laughed with, cried with, and fought with to keep us free.

He got to know those men he worked along side in a way that the majority of our working population will never experience. They were brothers. Not of the same blood. Not even of the same faith. But brothers in a way that only they would ever understand.

I can't help but feel guilty that I am eternally grateful he was held back that day. He should have been there, on that flight, with them. But instead he was sitting in that classroom unaware that the news he would receive would change him forevermore. This news that his best friend, along with the others, were drawn from the sky by a rocket propelled grenade was the farthest from his mind but cut him straight through the heart when it came.

We pray for those families that I've never met but he has heard all about. I can't picture the faces I've never seen but I can see their hearts as I look to the heart of our Father who has created them in His image. He feels all emotion and has given us the ability to do the same. My heart grieves for them knowing that they too grieve in the memory of today.

I pray for him as he speaks about his best friend Scott as if it happened yesterday. This man who acts so tough while he talks the talk is torn inside today. All I can do is hold him, wipe tears as they shed. I feel helpless because nothing I can say or do will bring them back or change what is inevitable for this sin cursed world.

It's not how God the Father desired this world to be: famine, brokenness and war. I am so proud to know that it will not last forever. That the eternal battle that rages on has already been won by the blood of Christ Jesus. Until His return, we give thanks to those who fight and shed their blood to keep our earthly body's safe from harms way.

These men who gave their life and those men and women who continue to place more value on our freedom than their own are just a glimpse of the goodness that God intended for us in humanity.

As we spend time in remembrance this week, I pray that our hearts would be mindful of these fallen soldiers, their families and those who survived physically but will never be free from the experiences they endured.
 
Bradley, I am so proud of you! To all of my other family and friends who have served or are serving still, we thank you and continue to pray for you!

Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;

The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace.’

When I'm human...

These days I am often found in a position where I am asked to stay silent... For various reasons. Students confide in that tranquil space where we meet to learn about their God given instrument or that precious one who carried me in her needs someone to confide in as she travels this life alone or situations that have gotten WAY out of hand are best left up to Him who works on our behalf.

To be honest, I am so sick of gossip and the broken trust that comes with it that I am trying very hard to learn what it means to hide words shared with me in my heart.

He see's those words shared when I do this.

That is all that matters.

But what happens when those words are about you and the one you have pledged your life to?

What about when the words I want to say are simply the truth and they are left dying inside because it's "better that way"?
 
I don't have the answer's.

I don't have the patience.

I don't want to fight a battle that is not my own anymore.

I don't want to care any more.

Is it so much to ask for, a simple phone call to say I made a mistake, I'm sorry? or I did it in spite but I'm sorry? or I didn't think about the consequence and I am sorry? or any of the other combinations that we could come up with for the endless ways we humans find to hurt one another?

I don't know about the rest of the world but I know when I have been informed, whether by the Holy Spirit or another human being, that I have hurt someone whether intentionally or honest ignorance I cannot sleep. My work suffers, my relationships suffer, everything suffers until I make that humiliated visit to say "I am so sorry I hurt you". No excuses.

The reality is... I am human.

I read Psalms like 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 over and over and I have to guard myself from lingering on the words that state "All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed..." (Psalm 6:10) because the humanity that surfaces on days like today cause my first reaction to say "thank you Lord" with wrong motivation. If you claim you have never done this very thing then you simply have categorised yourself as a hypocrite because in  one way, shape or form, we have all longed for vengeance.

The other reality it... they are human too.

I know I am not in a position to judge where people are at and honestly it is not a position I want to have. But I can't help myself as I plead for peace just as David did, How long oh Lord?

I re-read over and over the blessings within passages such as those mentioned and push my heart to focus internally where He has His work cut out.


"But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
¹² For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord,
You surround him with favor as with a shield."
Psalm 5:11, 12


I want peace in my life - peace that passes all understanding - peace that can only come from Him. Sometimes that peace comes only when we do what we can to make right of situations before we let those we love be.

I know the plans He has for us are not to harm and I have to remind myself of the promises He has made and release the rest into His care in order live in the fullness of forgiveness and grace.




But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. ²¹ So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19-21

Still...

I signed my name and changed it to his because I knew He spun the web of my life. I loved him and love him even more. Even still, so much has been struggle in the life of our marriage thus far. Much of our frustrations stirred from brokenness that is out of our hands. When you combine that with each of our various triggers from our pasts, it hasn't always been a good concoction.

I know marriage is hard. I've seen it fail time and time again. What I didn't see coming was the rapid fire from others pain that was to take place in the months following the words "I Do".

I have found myself exhausted in my sleeping hours this past year, too exhausted to sleep most nights. Those nights I do succumb restlessly, I find myself waking by His prompting to bath loved ones in prayer even though I have grown weary in trying to discern how to pray.

My heart has bled as trust has been broken by friends who really weren't. That's how I feel although my mind knows they are only flesh like me. Trust has been destroyed, words have been mis-interpreted, pain has been caused by my lips and theirs that I can never be taken back. Prayerfully we all can learn to stop picking the scab and allow the Balm of Gilead to do what He longs to fulfil for us.

If you asked me three years ago where I saw myself, it was anywhere but here. This tiny town is not what I refer to as here in order to be clear. It's in this state of perpetual longing for the brokenness to go away - "...in Jesus name it has no power over you, over me, over us..." I cry over and over again...  

And yet, it remains... it still remains and I don't understand.

It has ruled hearts for generations and will continue to until the day its decided that His grace truly is enough to choose to be still and put His desire for myself and those I love ahead of my own need to run, sit, wait, hide, ignore, pretend, and all the other words that come to mind that we do instead of Trust...

I can't do anything about anyone except my own responses. B and I have no options to be anyone except the God fearing individuals that we are so imperfect at.

These words He has put in my heart, not scripture, but from Him none the less...

restless
the one who lays there in the dark
the soft breathing of loved ones near
it doesn't mask the deafening weeping that brews in her heart

broken
the one on a mission in the morning light
the stillness of the view untouched
it is not enough to silence the turmoil consuming her mind

how do you hang on when you can't feel anymore

the arrogance that causes such pain has created new to fall victim

when is it going to be enough

Still
in the quiet
the storm rages on

Still
in the storm
the Calm will reside

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 

Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolation's he has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

 

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Sort of Day...

Is it just me or do you have those days when you just want to run away from it all? Leave each of them to their own demise because it's just not worth it? and live in the quiet heart of the mountains until He returns to make all things new?

I do.

and today is one of those days.

It just doesn't seem to matter how you look at it, nothing I do or say is going to change anything. I have spent my entire adult life working through the fears of imperfection that was instilled in me at such a young age. Slowly, over the past 9 years, I have learnt to become confident in the skin God gave me and I've actually found myself excited to work hard for my Abba God rather than trying to be perfect for the one who I still hardly know and the ones who think they know me.

I take pride in the precious lives that trust my teaching in the studio as they grow in the Lord and become more confident in who He has created them to be. I take pride in doing my job well even if it's scrubbing ovens that haven't been cleaned in years. I am ever so passionate about the beauty He has given us to through the voices that follow the leading of my hands. I care deeply about the people I interact with day to day in my work even if I have to be firm to get the job done from time to time. I love my husband more each day and have even begun to learn to take joy in rubbing his aching feet when mine ache the same. And although I am far from perfect, I am exactly who I need to be in my Father's eyes because it's Him who I live for.

Does this mean that I am strong enough to take the non-physical beating that I and each one of us has found ourselves oppressed by at one point in time or another? Not in the least. I am not able.

Today is one of those days that I could just pack up and go.
But I won't.
I can't.

If I did, what would be accomplished?

I wouldn't learn that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I wouldn't learn what it is to take what I have in my own weakness succumbed to giving - the ill tasting seed of uneducated judgement. I wouldn't learn the value of taking that moment to breath deeply in order to speak the gentle words that turn wrath.

So what do I do with it? What do I do when I get to feeling like it's that sort of day? The sort of day when I feel completely helpless to the cruelties that all of humanity has dealt with in one way, shape or form? I give myself the freedom to dream of that place which I find peace and then remind myself that it's not about me. It's not about you. It's not even about the place that I work or any other ministry under the sun.

It's about Him and I realise it's a day filled with His presence is the sort of day I am truly craving. It's about Him working in and through you and me for His glory.

I am reminded in this moment that I do not need to bother with fretting about how people perceive me. It really doesn't matter because those people stand in their own way just as much as I do at times.

I know who He is.

I know He is Love. 

and I know that He is working to mold this imperfect ball of clay. I trust this Truth with all that I have been, am now and will be in the future. I know that on these sorts of days, when I am not, He is able.

Romans 8:38-39For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Family matters...

The past month has been a busy one, flying by faster than I anticipated for a month that was supposed to be relatively calm. Bradley's been living in Calgary during the week and I've been delving into my spring cleaning at the apartment and visiting with loved ones both near and far - well, mostly far :)
I spent time on the Island at my brother's home with his family. First vising with my dad and step mom. Followed by the company of Mom, my sister and the precious newest addition of her sweet baby Lyla.

I miss them.

I don't know what I'd do without them in my life.

It was the first time my brother, sister and I sat in the same room for - I am not sure how long it's been.

Life is just like that. Differences in life and choices we make do take people to different places. And sometimes it's just plain hard.

Rarely do we agree on anything, us three...

Often we make choices that hurt each other... actions, words, and sometimes no words at all... not always purposely but I admit, sometimes in spite... We blame the past, we blame each other, we blame those who brought us into the world as if they should have known and chosen differently themselves... We blame the God who could stop all harm but chooses to allow us to be sharpened in only the painfully heated way that iron sharpens iron so that we might learn what it means to rely solely on Him in every situation...

I hate the process. It hurts... I hate how iron has to be held in the flame until it is softened just enough in order to be brought out of the flame and pounded on before chilling it in the cooling water. It's a hard, uncomfortable, painful process that we all go through in this life.

Fortunately, the outcome is incredible. The beautiful creations that we are being molded into is something to behold.

Thank God for His purposeful eye for detail - for He knows exactly how long and how hard and gives us the cooling water of His Spirit just in the nick of time to refresh our souls as we journey this path called life.

Us three, we will never agree fully in this life. I will never understand all the whys but that's okay.

I know that the Holy Spirit dwells amongst us, leading and guiding the process as He needs to for our own sake.

Who am I to challenge the journey our Heavenly Father is directing them through? Who am I to cast my judgements on the sharpening process that He is overseeing? Who am I but another piece of work that is imperfect, unrefined, and in many ways useless?

Yet He's chosen me.
He's chosen each of us
He loves them more than I ever will be able to.
I believe it, I must trust His process.

Just the same, we also have a choice - We have to choose how we respond to each other. Whether we'll respect each other indifferently to agreeing or not. We have to choose to talk to each other and ultimately forgive each other even when the hurt is deep and our pride says we're the victim. We have to choose how we love each other. Will it be love based on our agreeing or will it be love unconditional because that is what love actually is.

It's our choice.

I love my family. I love them with all my heart and NEVER want to change a single hair on their heads for they are beautifully and wonderfully created in HIS image.


 ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

When he comes home...

Monday - Friday he's living in Calgary as he finishes up schooling for welding and I have to admit that at times it's nice having the house to myself once again. 

Please don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly when we're apart. But in spite of that, I would be lying if I didn't admit to the pleasure I feel in leaving the dishes just because I can or to simply have a bowl of cereal for supper if I don't feel like cooking or to leave my socks on the couch where I slipped them off before falling asleep while watching Dancing With The Stars ...

All things I hate to do when he comes home!

Why?

Because when he comes home I love to see him smile.

I love to see his face when our tiny home is as tidy as can be after a period of chaos due to busy work schedules.

I love listening to the noises he makes when he eats a meal that I've poured myself into making even if they are forced because I may have royally messed one or two of those dinners up.

I love to watch him fall asleep in my arms on the couch after he's worked hard all week even if it means I have to put his socks in the laundry basket myself.

Life isn't always peachy but it often contain roses when he comes home. Delicate creations that are enchanting to admire and breath in. I realize that the thorns can cause deep pain if not handled in a gracious manner but as we learn and grow together we realize that none of these wounds are insurmountable by the healing grace of forgiveness and love. At times it might be love for each other that can only come from our Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, but it is there...

Monday is gone now and there will be 3 more days where I will only hear his voice for a few minutes on the phone before we drift to sleep. So I keep my hands busy and look forward to when he comes home to me.