Still...

I signed my name and changed it to his because I knew He spun the web of my life. I loved him and love him even more. Even still, so much has been struggle in the life of our marriage thus far. Much of our frustrations stirred from brokenness that is out of our hands. When you combine that with each of our various triggers from our pasts, it hasn't always been a good concoction.

I know marriage is hard. I've seen it fail time and time again. What I didn't see coming was the rapid fire from others pain that was to take place in the months following the words "I Do".

I have found myself exhausted in my sleeping hours this past year, too exhausted to sleep most nights. Those nights I do succumb restlessly, I find myself waking by His prompting to bath loved ones in prayer even though I have grown weary in trying to discern how to pray.

My heart has bled as trust has been broken by friends who really weren't. That's how I feel although my mind knows they are only flesh like me. Trust has been destroyed, words have been mis-interpreted, pain has been caused by my lips and theirs that I can never be taken back. Prayerfully we all can learn to stop picking the scab and allow the Balm of Gilead to do what He longs to fulfil for us.

If you asked me three years ago where I saw myself, it was anywhere but here. This tiny town is not what I refer to as here in order to be clear. It's in this state of perpetual longing for the brokenness to go away - "...in Jesus name it has no power over you, over me, over us..." I cry over and over again...  

And yet, it remains... it still remains and I don't understand.

It has ruled hearts for generations and will continue to until the day its decided that His grace truly is enough to choose to be still and put His desire for myself and those I love ahead of my own need to run, sit, wait, hide, ignore, pretend, and all the other words that come to mind that we do instead of Trust...

I can't do anything about anyone except my own responses. B and I have no options to be anyone except the God fearing individuals that we are so imperfect at.

These words He has put in my heart, not scripture, but from Him none the less...

restless
the one who lays there in the dark
the soft breathing of loved ones near
it doesn't mask the deafening weeping that brews in her heart

broken
the one on a mission in the morning light
the stillness of the view untouched
it is not enough to silence the turmoil consuming her mind

how do you hang on when you can't feel anymore

the arrogance that causes such pain has created new to fall victim

when is it going to be enough

Still
in the quiet
the storm rages on

Still
in the storm
the Calm will reside

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 

Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolation's he has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

 

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.