I Love You... And there ain't nothin you can do about it!

A lot has occurred the past couple of weeks in our lives and this post was missed in getting posted... Love you Mandy :)


We all have our journey's in life. We don't have a choice in the circumstance we are born into. In some regards, we don't really have a choice in our learnt behavior as children. But there comes a time in life when we do get to choose how we respond... We do get to choose what vices we turn to, how long or hard we run, and what methods of manipulation we use to cover our tracks. Christian or not, we're all human and we all do it in one way or another.

We also get to choose when enough has become enough and we allow ourselves the freedom to forgive ourselves, forgive others and move on in life in a healthy approach to reconciliation.

This journey however takes some people longer than others...

This journey is not one that is easy when our entire societal world view is one that nearly condemns healthy, nurturing relationships with boundary's and respect because it's all about "ME"...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think selfishness is anything new to this world... Started in Genesis and is vibrant in our lives today. 

My sister and I just spent two weeks together while I was home. Two weeks without an argument, emotional break down over the past, really without much of a disagreement that wasn't able to be managed by agreeing to disagree because we love each other more than the hurt we have caused each other...

This is huge for us.

It has been years, literally years, since we've gone 24 hours without cause for disagreement. You know why, because of selfishness. I disagreed with her life choices and I pushed and pushed and pushed for her to see the error of her ways. Were some of her choices damaging, yes and I was scared for her at times and so in my head and with the help of twisting my faith to justify, I just "knew" I was right in my thoughts and actions.

How my pride got in the way of loving her through the way she has experienced life. It's amazing to me how the same home that sheltered us grew completely different people... Maybe some of it was self inflicted but who doesn't have pain in their lives caused my their own hands?

It's amazing to me the difference in our relationship as I've begun to love her where she is at. It's amazing to me the changes I see as we both own our choices in life. We are not on the same page in a lot of ways right now, especially with regards to our faith but that's not my job to ridicule and judge the work of One that is not mine to fulfill as I find ways to make her feel condemned.

It doesn't matter how far she has run or how long it was those years we didn't speak; just because I was in one place for that time with the perception of my life being put together doesn't make my journey less travelled... I love her. I choose to love her and make that love known to her.

She is my sister. and there is nothing she can do about it!


Is there someone in your life that you need to grab my the arms, look into their eyes and tell them "I love you, and there ain't nothing you can do about it!"  .... ?

Growing up fast...

Last week, after only 16 days of living with my beloved again, I got up tired, loaded my bags into our truck with a little feeling of wishing I didn't have to and I sat holding hands with him as he drove me to the airport... Of course everything that could go wrong other than the plane plummeting to the ground did, but as I ponder the outcome... I am amazed yet again at the faithfulness of my God.

If it wasn't for those planes being delayed and over booked, I wouldn't have had the chance to meet for a quick coffee date with my beautifully grown niece who I haven't seen in 2 and a half years...

It's been far to long since I've held her in my arms and looked her in the eye as we discuss the things that challenge our hearts. These conversations have changed over the years but I know that our relationship will always hold a special place in my heart! That girl who is no longer a girl but a grown woman with dreams and goals and a BOY... okay, a man... will always bring a smile to my lips when I think of her.

You see, I care for these lil ones who have grown and are growing so fast. Courtney, J..., Shawna, Austin, Hailey, Aydin, ..., Tyson, Naomi, ..., Koen, Ben, Caleb, ..., Rehannah, Tanaya, Mistii, Bella, Issak, Lyla, ... and Oliver. And I pray for the ones who may come still...

I cherish those memories of the ones I was able to hold in one arm cooing and singing and rocking them through tears and falling asleep with them on comfy couches and chairs.

I will never forget those late night sleepovers and questions about who that man Jesus was in that Good Book I read.

The popcorn movie nights,
     the too much junk food,
         the laughs in the snow piled too deep,
              running on the shores getting wet from the waters,
                   Lego's and dolly's and songs and dancing and Christmas mornings with way to many sugar cookies...
not to mention the story after story after story and then just one more before good nights...

I am honored with those deep life concerns shared and young arms giving the best hugs and kisses galore. I long for the days between to go quickly and yet want so badly for them to stay little so they fit perfectly in my arms. I wish for those who are far away and the ones that I've yet to meet to be nearer so I can know by the look in their eyes the simple truths that God is revealing to them in their youth.

The time goes fast.

The growing up it seems even faster.

I miss my beloved but I am SO incredibly thankful for his desire to see me in right relationship with those I love and that he honors my desire to be here to spend time watching them grow.

From my eldest Courtney who is now over 2 decades young who enjoys sipping coffee with her crazy auntie all the way down to my sweet young Oliver a little more than 2 months old that I get to comfort and snuggle as his big sister goes crazy dancing and twirling for me... I am so thankful for these beautiful individuals that are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Auntie loves you, all of you, with all her heart and I pray that you might also some day come to know the love of your Heavenly Father that is never changing...

 

Matthew 7 

^7 "Ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you.
⁸ For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened.

⁹ Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? ¹¹ If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! ¹² “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Psalm 103 

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
³ Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
⁴ Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
⁵ Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

⁶ The Lord performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
⁸ The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
⁹ He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
¹³ Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
¹⁶ When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
¹⁷ But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

 

  

 

When the sun shines...

It's easy to smile when the sun shines... Feel the joy that the brightness brings to a persons heart. 

It's rays cast through that dusty window in our kitchen. As I clean this floor on my hands and knees, when I would rather bask like a cat in the warmth of those rays, I think of you and smile... Your not the mother that was given to me by birth but the one who was my beloveds first and became mine when we said "I do". 

I am thankful for you, you know? We both are. 

We love you, you know? Love that will never end. 

You have sacrificed much in the past years that I have known you and I can imagine in the years before that there was much given and taken away from the only One who has that authority. I have seen your desire change these past months, pure and honest and raw desire, to "Be Still"... how long has that been the phrase He has given you? As long as I can remember. Amazing to me that it is the same verse the Lord gave to me all those years ago when He began to tear down the walls of my heart. 

I know this command He has given you has not easy for you; you who is gifted with a true mothers heart, a heart that longs to take pain away when we both know full well God has to be the healer in some circumstances. There are just times when we have to let go and I am so thankful for your example as you learn and grow even more into a strong woman after Gods own heart. An example for all of us young women who have been placed into your path. 

I am thankful you don't walk perfectly you know, that you are realizing the freedom of not having to have every strand in place... That's the side of you and your beloved that we love best. To know that there is hope for us, that we don't have to have life together all the time. That it's okay to be messy and love imperfectly and allow ourselves to feel Gods grace in spite being undeserving... 

We can't be with you today to celebrate with you but we are thinking of you today. Praying that in this next year, the Lord would continue to bless you with knowing Him better and the beautiful woman you are by His grace. We pray that you might continue to let Him work as you present yourself to His will for your life. You have much to give, He knows that, we know that, and we look forward to seeing how He is going to move in and through you! May you be blessed with the Joy that He longs to restore to your spirit this year! 

Happy Birthday Mom (Marion)...

Dear Mama...

There are times in life when I am far away from the only one on this earth who truly can say she loved me from the beginning of my being... The one who gave so much of herself to give life to us four. In those times God gives us surrogates in a way. Mother figures that come in various forms.

I am so grateful for my Mama but also for these other women in my life.  All women who have loved me, challenged me, listened to me, laughed with me, cried for me, sought after God along side of me... Each holds her own portion of this heart I've been given and as I reflect today on their examples I know I am blessed to have the love of each one and to have the opportunity to love in return.

To the one who gave of herself to give life to me...


I love you Mom...

I am so thankful for you in my life and couldn't ask for a better example of generous love than that which you show me! Your strength is an inspiration and although I recognise that you are down on yourself more often than not, your courage to do right by your flesh and blood is more than any child could desire.

Mom, we've walked some very hard roads together. Ones where we disagreed. Ones where I hurt you and you hurt me. You know what though, I am thankful because of the beautiful scenes that followed these hard times. Some trails shorter than others but you've been there. I couldn't ask for more than for you to just have been there.

I couldn't be more proud than to watch you allow the Holy Spirit do His work in your life as you seek after His will for you and for us, your forever babes. Thank you for being God's vessel in our lives and for teaching us of His love as best you could, in the ways you understood. Thank you for being gracious even when this cheeky young woman was anything but. Thank you for being you and only you!!! I wouldn't change a thing!

In the words of my favourite story by Robert Munsch...


"I'll love you forever,

       I'll like you for always,

           As long as I'm living my mommy you'll be."     

Proverbs 31

 

Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed   

                                                                      

When the road is long...

This province that God has made my home has grown on me the past 11 years... For miles around you can see from the top of our third hill. Stunning in the summer months when all you can see is brightly coloured fields. Blinding in the winter as the sun cascades the snow covered frozen land. Humbling in the middle of the night when you can't begin to count the stars in a fraction of the sky that loom's over head. I am in awe of it's beauty... knowing that when He created it, it was good! Just for us to enjoy.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to write to you... the unknown world of listeners... I trust you are well and I thank you for your patience as the past two months have been so overwhelming for my beloved and I.

Before the past two months, God has had us on our knees the past two years... Praying for healing and  restoration in various situations of our lives. Sometimes in our pleading, God says "it's not time". We did not want to run like Jonah... Been there and done that. We have nothing to run from for we know who our Redeemer is whether or not others want to acknowledge that we are all sinners saved by grace no different one to the next. Our hearts desire has been to be patient as we wait for His perfect timing.

6 months ago he tossed out resumes, trusting that if He so desired, He would make away. We heard nothing and after a while, we were okay with that. He has been teaching us a lot about trust... "Do you trust me?" Bradley has been prompted over and over... "Daughter, how will you respond?" my thoughts continue to discern. Neither of us are naturally very good at either of these so it's amazing to me how He is teaching us together through each of our manners of processing. Having been torn to shreds in this town that God has done so much work in our lives to reveal Himself to us, we had lay our desire for healing here or the leading to be moved in His hands and waited.

Two months ago, the doors were flung wide and we both were at ease as we walked through...  Moving was not our first choice but we are at peace that it is His. We walk confidently knowing that opportunity will arise wherever we are in His will, relationships will be established in a way that is healthy and spiritually nourishing, and ultimately we choose to trust that in spite of the brokenness - He will bring about restoration in His time and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it because His work needs to be carried out in all lives involved.

The long straight stretches of highway in this province can deceive the length it takes to drive them... You can see the destination in the distant glow of night. Funny how we worry and grumble those last hard exhausting miles... it always seems to take forever to reach home... We always do though, by His grace we always do!

So we are off... With nothing to fear because we know the One who is our Counsellor and Provider. The only one who is Love and demonstrates love perfectly by the Lamb for our example.

Bradley has begun a new work in a town I had never been. A day's drive away from those we love and where there are only a handful of faces that we know. Our meagre belongings have been packed, moved and mostly settled in that new place that we both feel is just a little bit ours even though we know it's only for a time. I have returned to this tiny town to follow through with the commitment made to my "kids" here knowing that in 61 days this long stretch will take me to our new place that is home for us now...

I listen for the sound of the train that carries across the miles and pray for him as he works hard to learn his new role. I am so proud of you Bradley... For allowing God to use you as the leader of our home. Thank you for loving me, "this much"... I can't wait to be with you again as we wait on the Lord for continued resolve in our lives!

1 John 4: 1-6, 18-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; ³ and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. ⁴ You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love, because He first loved us. ²⁰ If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

When it's all said and done...

When it's all said and done... you can't get it back.

Time that is.

There is no rewind, no instant replay, no editing program perfected enough to change what is.

Sometimes however, I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with the peaceful and flirty and in-awe moments that are spent driving on the side roads through this beautiful province and into the next with the one man I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm okay with the cherished memories that fill my heart over the holidays spent with loved ones far away.

I quite enjoy the teasing and laughing.

The smell of wood fired burning in the hearth and turkeys roasting in the oven.

The flavors of sweet and savoury that are more abundant that we really need in a lifetime.

The sounds of carols sung, the noise of those snow machines, the joyous melodies of the endless amounts of family running around...

The cold mountain air as we wander the streets, the freezing wet snow on my cheek from my niece and nephews delight.

I never want to change the feeling of those frail hands that are wearied from life which still cling heartily to mine as my beloved and I sing of that Silent Night long ago. Her eyes hold steadfast to my gaze and it takes all within me to not blink and break the moment.

For all the money in the world, I wouldn't give up a moment held in the arms of my Mama who was far from perfect and yet is forgiven just the same as me. My best friend then and in my heart forever.

I cling to the words "I love you" from my Dad that I longed to hear those few times a year that I was able to spend time with him in my growing up days. How I needed him then and still now. Some things just don't change.

When it is all said and done... the hard and brokenness of this year seems futile as he and I rediscover the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. "Do you trust me?" He has asked us repeatedly over the past few months...

How can we not? We have both said we believe and we continue to choose to believe that He who gave us His Son to be born in the filth of humanity is who He Say's He is in His word. He has proven Himself over and over when we don't deserve proof in the first place.

When it's all said and done in this season of celebration, worship to the One True God and preparation for a new year, we choose to cherish moments, reflect and grow from others and leave the rest at the foot of the Cross with the One who knows. We trust Him who is faithful and pray for the boldness in this New Year to honor Him in everything we do.

Happy New Year friends and family... May the Lord bless you and keep you always, revealing Himself to you in the way each of you needs!

 

 

Isaiah 43

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,

And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.

“For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.

“Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.

“Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
And gather you from the west.

“I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring My sons from afar
And My daughters from the ends of the earth,
Everyone who is called by My name,
And whom I have created for My glory,
in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert,

To give drink to My chosen people.

“The people whom I formed for Myself

Will declare My praise.

Once upon a "Silent Night"...

Today is already December 3rd  13th now, which totally trampled my heartfelt intention of posting each day this month, something that inspires me to anticipate in a new way the birthday of our Savior.

The bad news is that this month of December (well, really the last week of November on) is the most ridiculous time of year for any musician or lover of the arts as there is SO much to fill our schedules.

If it's not teaching, it's my not-by-my-choice-soon-to-be-over cleaning job. If it's not that, it's rehearsals. If not rehearsals, it's extra rehearsals or last minute sectionals, or planning for final recitals or preparing for student juries or production planning or performances for the first production I am involved in with the THAA. And then it's more and more and more for the second production which is this coming was this past weekend for Prairie... did I mention rehearsals and more mopping of floors and additional preparations?

Once in a while, if my dear husband is so lucky, I will have time to make a meal or spot clean our own home. Thank you for being so patient with your crazy and passionate artist wife and even blessing me by doing the dishes once in a while :)

What can I say? I take pride in what I do. I may be poor in monetary gain for my work but goodness knows that for an artist, it's so much more.

If I wanted to make my millions I would have continued down my initial thoughts of a career choice in the medical field. Thank God I couldn't manage to grasp the concepts of Math no matter how many days a week I went in for help in high school. I never would have imagine then, how deeply in love I would fall with my music and teaching.

I don't wave my hands in front of all 27 of them expecting perfection. 95% of them don't even read music. And yet, when it's all sung and lights come back on bright and they say to me "Teacher, I messed up here and there"... I can honestly say, "I didn't even hear it" because the excitement on their faces and the glorious efforts that they have put forth to learn what they have been gifted to do are more important to me than being the best.

And this year, Prairies 69th Annual Christmas Music Night titled "Silent Night", that those three and I talked about and planned as they learn under my often failing wing, was the most beautiful and perfect program that they could have given me. I am humbled and inspired. 

Thank you to my dear students who love to learn and inspire me to create! Merry Christmas and enjoy your time off because January is going to be CRAZY with LOTS of new music :)

PBI Choir 2012/2013. A new generation posed on the foundation of the old Prairie Tabernacle.