The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

Transitions...

It's been a while eh? I had every intention of meeting with you here in this space much more often but lets face it, life gets in the way when big times of transition are met. Seasons change and this past one has been terribly busy with a couple ounces of hard.

The most recent transition: I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AGAIN! Praise God that we still like each other after being apart for the past 3.5 months. Easy transition, not really. Good transition, more good than easy. Needed, is that even a question?

It's been a long, hard wait.

The transitions leading up to being in my new home with my beloved have been some of the most rewarding and yet ferociously difficult ones. Some of the things I've spent the past 3.5 months working on:

• pouring everything I have into "my kids", aka my students.
• planning and preparing all kinds of music, presentations and organising "extensions" with the choir who worked so hard to accomplish the incredibly lofty goals I set before them.
• humbling myself to take up work at my college work place Subway.
• started a new direct sales business with Lia Sophia Jewelry www.liasophia.ca/jessicagreene
• working through how to deal with what I am now confident was a vision from the Lord that came to me in a dream 8 years ago in my Junior year at Prairie - the second of three dreams that came three nights in a row. Another topic for another day, maybe.
• trying to say goodbye to as many loved ones in the lower areas of AB that I could before making the journey north.
• enjoying as many "last time" moments.
• slowly but surely packed the meagre belongings of the studio that had become such a part of Gods faithfulness in my life, growth in the creativity and passion He has given me and space that housed beautiful strength as .I journeyed life with so many young people.

The transitions now:

• Living with a boy again with more laundry than usual and having to deal with my blanket thief.
• Getting used to the ridiculous that my dear husband works... I mean really ridiculous! Including the multiple phone calls through out the night from being on call 24/7.
• Learning my where abouts in this new to me city - I've only got lost once :)
• Unpacking, sorting, repacking, moving, adjusting, readjusting, filing, and repeat as many times as needed to get all our stuff figured out. This will be a while yet.
• Cooking every day, multiple times a day in fact.
• Playing my well loved electric piano with rattling and failing speakers instead of my beautiful baby grand that has been my blessing to care for over the past almost 5 years.
• Trying to figure out routine amid trying to get my DS Lia Sophia business underway when I know 2 people in town. I'm getting pretty good at just starting conversations with ladies in random stores, banks, and at the dance adjudication that Bradley's little cousin was participating in. We'll see if anything comes of said conversations.
• Applying for part time work until said DS business takes off.
• Church "hunting", so to say, and trying to determine what the Lord would have for us here.

So needless to say, a lot has been going on and I have a lot to think through in my own heart as we settle here in our home. Some of those thoughts may end up here but I am excited to look forward to what the days ahead will hold.

For now, after only 3 hours of sleep last night and 13 hour shift today, my dear husband is passed out on the couch and I have a kitchen to clean before I can get to sleep myself for a while before the ringing of that phone begins...

Good night all...

Philipians 3

 

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. ¹⁶ Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind.

 

¹⁷ Brethren, join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern.¹⁸ For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ:
¹⁹ whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame—who set their mind on earthly things.

 

  ²⁰ For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

When it's all said and done...

When it's all said and done... you can't get it back.

Time that is.

There is no rewind, no instant replay, no editing program perfected enough to change what is.

Sometimes however, I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with the peaceful and flirty and in-awe moments that are spent driving on the side roads through this beautiful province and into the next with the one man I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm okay with the cherished memories that fill my heart over the holidays spent with loved ones far away.

I quite enjoy the teasing and laughing.

The smell of wood fired burning in the hearth and turkeys roasting in the oven.

The flavors of sweet and savoury that are more abundant that we really need in a lifetime.

The sounds of carols sung, the noise of those snow machines, the joyous melodies of the endless amounts of family running around...

The cold mountain air as we wander the streets, the freezing wet snow on my cheek from my niece and nephews delight.

I never want to change the feeling of those frail hands that are wearied from life which still cling heartily to mine as my beloved and I sing of that Silent Night long ago. Her eyes hold steadfast to my gaze and it takes all within me to not blink and break the moment.

For all the money in the world, I wouldn't give up a moment held in the arms of my Mama who was far from perfect and yet is forgiven just the same as me. My best friend then and in my heart forever.

I cling to the words "I love you" from my Dad that I longed to hear those few times a year that I was able to spend time with him in my growing up days. How I needed him then and still now. Some things just don't change.

When it is all said and done... the hard and brokenness of this year seems futile as he and I rediscover the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. "Do you trust me?" He has asked us repeatedly over the past few months...

How can we not? We have both said we believe and we continue to choose to believe that He who gave us His Son to be born in the filth of humanity is who He Say's He is in His word. He has proven Himself over and over when we don't deserve proof in the first place.

When it's all said and done in this season of celebration, worship to the One True God and preparation for a new year, we choose to cherish moments, reflect and grow from others and leave the rest at the foot of the Cross with the One who knows. We trust Him who is faithful and pray for the boldness in this New Year to honor Him in everything we do.

Happy New Year friends and family... May the Lord bless you and keep you always, revealing Himself to you in the way each of you needs!

 

 

Isaiah 43

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,

And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.

“For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.

“Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.

“Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
And gather you from the west.

“I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring My sons from afar
And My daughters from the ends of the earth,
Everyone who is called by My name,
And whom I have created for My glory,
in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert,

To give drink to My chosen people.

“The people whom I formed for Myself

Will declare My praise.

Once upon a "Silent Night"...

Today is already December 3rd  13th now, which totally trampled my heartfelt intention of posting each day this month, something that inspires me to anticipate in a new way the birthday of our Savior.

The bad news is that this month of December (well, really the last week of November on) is the most ridiculous time of year for any musician or lover of the arts as there is SO much to fill our schedules.

If it's not teaching, it's my not-by-my-choice-soon-to-be-over cleaning job. If it's not that, it's rehearsals. If not rehearsals, it's extra rehearsals or last minute sectionals, or planning for final recitals or preparing for student juries or production planning or performances for the first production I am involved in with the THAA. And then it's more and more and more for the second production which is this coming was this past weekend for Prairie... did I mention rehearsals and more mopping of floors and additional preparations?

Once in a while, if my dear husband is so lucky, I will have time to make a meal or spot clean our own home. Thank you for being so patient with your crazy and passionate artist wife and even blessing me by doing the dishes once in a while :)

What can I say? I take pride in what I do. I may be poor in monetary gain for my work but goodness knows that for an artist, it's so much more.

If I wanted to make my millions I would have continued down my initial thoughts of a career choice in the medical field. Thank God I couldn't manage to grasp the concepts of Math no matter how many days a week I went in for help in high school. I never would have imagine then, how deeply in love I would fall with my music and teaching.

I don't wave my hands in front of all 27 of them expecting perfection. 95% of them don't even read music. And yet, when it's all sung and lights come back on bright and they say to me "Teacher, I messed up here and there"... I can honestly say, "I didn't even hear it" because the excitement on their faces and the glorious efforts that they have put forth to learn what they have been gifted to do are more important to me than being the best.

And this year, Prairies 69th Annual Christmas Music Night titled "Silent Night", that those three and I talked about and planned as they learn under my often failing wing, was the most beautiful and perfect program that they could have given me. I am humbled and inspired. 

Thank you to my dear students who love to learn and inspire me to create! Merry Christmas and enjoy your time off because January is going to be CRAZY with LOTS of new music :)

PBI Choir 2012/2013. A new generation posed on the foundation of the old Prairie Tabernacle. 

In my 28th year...

In my 28th year, I've experienced a lot of beauty throughout the thorns of life...

Amid the deep grief of loosing what we excitedly thought we were going to be blessed with, I treasured my first wedding anniversary with my best friend. After a year filled with turmoil out of our control we knew we had each other because of His grace in our lives.

I shared incredibly sacred moments with my beloved as I met my beautiful step children Avery and Seth for the first time.

I have had the privilege of teaching numerous young people in my studio and even greater the opportunity to speak into life experiences with them as they find a safe place within the walls where we sing.

I have been apart of and directed musical productions, blessed to have opportunity to put into practise my passion: conducting.

I had the opportunity to attend my very first orchestral performance in Calgary with co-workers and students.

 

I have spent days in the majestic mountain range of our country exploring life and creation with loved ones.

I have celebrated with loved ones at the birth of children, parties for the added year each of us has, and honored my husband as he finished up his final studies passing to become a journeyman welder.

Despite the harshness that comes with loosing jobs, miscarriages, shredded relationships, children too far away and finding out who your real friends are, I know God is faithful and just. His will is not to harm His children but to give us hope and a future.

This past weekend, my dear husband surprised me with a trip to Banff where we were able to be inspired by the creation God has given us to enjoy. As Bradley and I drove through snow filled forests, walked along icy river front trails, and sipped on tasty Christmas flavored coffees to warm our hands, I was reminded this weekend how great His love is for  us in that He gave us even the most simple things to find joy in.

I am inspired.

I long to continue to be inspired in this next year. Looking to Him, who has made every good and perfect gift, for that inspiration in all aspects of my life.

White as snow ...

Part of me longs for the crisp fall to linger... The colors that grace the trees high, the air that is fresh now that the farmers have finished filling it with the dust of their living, the bright morning skies that arrive just a little later so I can thoroughly enjoy them rather than dream of them...

All the while, deep down, I know there is nothing like the beautifully clean blanket that covers this hard, dirty, smelly land like the first real snow of the season.

Bradley and I love to drive... I have become good at my "drive by shootings". But isn't that just the paradigm... we drive to find a little bit of solace from the craziness of our lives and yet the highways loan themselves to be sped along.  

This time of year in particular, with the ice covered roads, we are forced to slow. And I am grateful for that. I don't absorb things quickly and easily as some others might. I have to look and feel and think things through from all angles before I am ready to move to the next image. This is not simply when I am looking through a lens but I tend to be this way in the way I work and carry out relationships and live my day to day life. Sometimes it drives my husband crazy. He is very goal orientated and so he knows where the finish line is and tends to bulldozes straight for it.  

We are learning... to take time to appreciate the beauty of each others differences. The simplicity that comes with one step at a time and maybe moving slightly faster or slower than we are comfortable with.

This season, I am thankful for. The reminder that no matter how hard things have been. No matter how much filth floats in the air from our own sins and the lies that surround my beloved and I. No matter how much pain  caused from the death that surrounds as life gets ready to surrender to the cold of this next season... 

There is beauty in this season. 

There is a sense of purity that comes with it. 

He washes white as snow and I am so grateful for this reminder. 

That He who loves us, loves us with an everlasting love. He does not hold us in a state of purgatory here on earth when we give over to addiction, pride and hurtful ways. He has given us the Holy Spirit to move and convict when need, Jesus Christ to cover us so we might be forgiven, and He chooses to extend grace and love us more than hate because of the sin we commit so that we can be in right relationship.

Yes, I love the fall... But there is nothing quite like the reminder of His pure love for us than the covering of the first snowfall. 

Psalm 51: 5 - 12

Surely I was sinful at birth,

    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

 

Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

Let me hear joy and gladness;

    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

 

Hide your face from my sins

    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.