My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

The end of the second...

You always hear that the first of year of marriage is always the hardest... It was a doozie but the second was more than a little trying in itself. The truth is, life with people is never easy. Life trying to meet the needs of relationships is "hard work". I laugh at that because it seems that those two words don't do justice to realistic depth of energy that actually goes into it!

It's so easy to put one selfish decision after another creating a web of distraction and destruction. It's so easy to let one hurtful word lead to another and another tearing at the core of the one you've promised to protect with every ounce of your being. It's so very easy to loose sight of why you married each other when we get focused on our own ambitions instead of choosing to see the needs of our partners.

I love my husband.

I know that he loves me.

It isn't perfect. There is much work to be done to heal what's been done and grow into what we have the potential of being.  It is possible though...

We were created to be in a marriage relationship and we are never given more than we are able to deal with. The trick we are learning is the daily choice that is involved in this process of growth. One choice can be the difference between life and death in a marriage. Daily submission to the beautiful God given boundaries and roles that are given in His Word are crucial to growth. 

The second part is the gift and challenge of forgiveness. Every day, we seem to find things that one or the other or both need to seek, receive or extend forgiveness. Whether we choose to seek, receive or extend - well that's a whole other story. But it is our goal.

So today, as he is miles away working on learning a new aspect of his job and I am here listening to the whirring of the dishwasher trying to drown out the song my student sang as I walked down that isle... as I prepare for him to come home soon, I just wanted to take a minute to reflect about us, about that day and about the work HE is faithfully doing in our lives...

I love you Bradley Greene. I always will...

I Love You... And there ain't nothin you can do about it!

A lot has occurred the past couple of weeks in our lives and this post was missed in getting posted... Love you Mandy :)


We all have our journey's in life. We don't have a choice in the circumstance we are born into. In some regards, we don't really have a choice in our learnt behavior as children. But there comes a time in life when we do get to choose how we respond... We do get to choose what vices we turn to, how long or hard we run, and what methods of manipulation we use to cover our tracks. Christian or not, we're all human and we all do it in one way or another.

We also get to choose when enough has become enough and we allow ourselves the freedom to forgive ourselves, forgive others and move on in life in a healthy approach to reconciliation.

This journey however takes some people longer than others...

This journey is not one that is easy when our entire societal world view is one that nearly condemns healthy, nurturing relationships with boundary's and respect because it's all about "ME"...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think selfishness is anything new to this world... Started in Genesis and is vibrant in our lives today. 

My sister and I just spent two weeks together while I was home. Two weeks without an argument, emotional break down over the past, really without much of a disagreement that wasn't able to be managed by agreeing to disagree because we love each other more than the hurt we have caused each other...

This is huge for us.

It has been years, literally years, since we've gone 24 hours without cause for disagreement. You know why, because of selfishness. I disagreed with her life choices and I pushed and pushed and pushed for her to see the error of her ways. Were some of her choices damaging, yes and I was scared for her at times and so in my head and with the help of twisting my faith to justify, I just "knew" I was right in my thoughts and actions.

How my pride got in the way of loving her through the way she has experienced life. It's amazing to me how the same home that sheltered us grew completely different people... Maybe some of it was self inflicted but who doesn't have pain in their lives caused my their own hands?

It's amazing to me the difference in our relationship as I've begun to love her where she is at. It's amazing to me the changes I see as we both own our choices in life. We are not on the same page in a lot of ways right now, especially with regards to our faith but that's not my job to ridicule and judge the work of One that is not mine to fulfill as I find ways to make her feel condemned.

It doesn't matter how far she has run or how long it was those years we didn't speak; just because I was in one place for that time with the perception of my life being put together doesn't make my journey less travelled... I love her. I choose to love her and make that love known to her.

She is my sister. and there is nothing she can do about it!


Is there someone in your life that you need to grab my the arms, look into their eyes and tell them "I love you, and there ain't nothing you can do about it!"  .... ?

For I know who I have believed...

In preparing for our Choir concerts which are one week from today, my heart is torn in so many emotions. "Wondrous Love"... will likely be my last musical ministry event on the campus of Prairie Bible Institute.

This place that I came to really know who God is and who I am being molded to be by His hands has been a place that has caused great joy, peace, brokenness (good and bad), healing, and so much more. I never imagined that when I arrived on this campus 11 years ago, I would be leaving with such mixed emotion.

I've moved 17 times in 11 years and no move has been filled with more exhaustive emotions as this one and it's all I can do to stay focused on the tasks at hand... The majority of the moving is done, Bradley has passed with flying colours his testing for his new position, the end of the school year is upon us and in 22 days I will be able to sleep in my own bed with my best friend at my side once again...

I am grieving dreams of arts and ministry and the beautiful relationships with "my kids" (my students). I am terrified of the unknown. I am thrilled to be rid of the horrible gossip that comes with a small town full of people with not enough to do. I am excited to finally have the chance to live life with my husband after months of being apart. I am scared at the same time to fail miserably as his wife and best friend as we start a fresh in that rented out humble home that is exactly all we need.

Despite my under normal circumstances secure and confident person, I am human and fall privy to the untruths that life and brokenness have thrown our way. I've spent the past while speaking to "my kids" about this Wondrous Love of the God we serve. How many times have I said to them that just as God leads us away from my position teaching them, He has great plans that are not all about me.

They are watching, they see what is being said and how we are being treated. They are wise. Young but their eyes are not blind. They have been to me Gods Hands and Feet as they see the truth of who God has created Bradley and I to be. By His Grace and His grace alone.

They have loved us, worked hard to fulfil the dreams of keeping music and arts alive on the campus under my direction, and I know they are praying for God to bring them someone who is hopefully even more crazy passionate about them first and the program second than I am.

So tonight as I struggle with high emotions caused by stresses that I have no power over, I turn to "my" passage of Scripture... The one I have turned to for years when I need to be reminded of His great love for me...

I know who I have believed and as I prepare to join my husband I know we have waited, prayed and are following His leading with our heads high and our knees bent before the One who is Love!




Romans 8
(biblegateway.com NKJV)

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. ⁷ Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. ⁸ So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹ But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. ¹⁰ And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Sonship Through the Spirit

¹² Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 

 ¹⁴ For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. ¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

From Suffering to Glory

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; ²¹ because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. ²² For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. ²³ Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

²⁶ Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us^[b] with groanings which cannot be uttered. ²⁷ Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. ³⁰ Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

³³ Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 

³⁴ Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”^[c]

³⁷ Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Monologue from a student...

This monologue was written by one of my students, Elizabeth Peters, who perfectly depicts the story and emotion that will be shared by the choir I conduct here on April 13th... Wondrous Love! Thank you Elizabeth for giving permission to share this script, one that captures my own searching heart of humanity and response to sin!

David: the man after God’s own heart

Failure!!!  I try, and I try, and still I stumble, time and again. 
This should not happen, not to me.  I am a king, a leader of men, responsible before God for my people.  If anyone needs to have it put together, that should be me.  Why is it so difficult?  It is maddening, frustrating, and so discouraging to fall again, just when you thought you had it right. 

            From the time I was a small boy I have searched after God.  My heart has cried out for him all my life.  It’s not easy growing up as the Lord’s anointed, with the expectation to behave perfectly, the responsibility on your shoulders.  But God was with me, and for years I walked so confidently.  I knew my God and I knew He wouldn’t let me down.  But then I became complacent.

            It wasn’t so bad at first, a little slip, a stumble now and again.  It’s easy to rectify those mistakes.  Then those small things become bigger things.  I praise God with my lips then go out and deny Him by my actions.  How could he save a wretch like me?  But He does.  I am astounded every time, but He saves me from myself and sets my feet on the rock once more.  But every time it’s harder to get back up.  Yes, I can struggle to my feet, but it feels like I spend most of my life flat on my face in the dust.  And every time, without fail, someone is there to witness my brokenness.  People begin to lose faith in my ability to lead.  It is a vicious cycle of doubt, trusting my own ability, and failing.  Those who talk only see my failure.  They don’t see me crying out to God, begging Him for help.  They don’t understand what it is to experience His forgiveness.  He does forgive; He will never forsake me.

But it’s all head knowledge.  I can think it and say it, but still my wandering heart doubts.  At what point will I truly begin to believe the things I say?  If I really believed it, I wouldn’t fall so often.  But here I am, on my knees again.  I have fallen in sin and now I fall
before God. 

           Search me, O God, and find my weaknesses. 
I know you can, and you will. 
Have you ever failed me? 
No, not once, despite how often I fail you. 

You love has never wavered.  You never weaken.  I try, and I
try, and you never desert me.  I’m facedown here, God. 

My heart is heavy within me.  Can you see my tears, tears of

anguish.  I failed miserably, and this time I don’t know if
there is any way to make it right.  I’m done, God.  I can’t do

this anymore.  Where else can I go?  There is nowhere to

turn but to you.

A Psalm from me... pleading mercy.

Oh God, I'm just going to be real and raw here for a minute because I am sick and I am tired and I just don't feel like going with the flow anymore!

I know you didn't intend for the world to be as it is. When you first spoke life into being, it was good. I understand your heart must break for the brokenness of this world that continues to comb through the lives of the beings you knit together so intricately in the likeness of your image.

Yet illness plagues.
Choices are made.

Lives are
b r o k e n
s h a t t e r e d
t o r n

People are angry. With each other. With you.

Forgiveness is held back.

Bitterness seeps even the hearts of those who claim to love in Your name the same as those who don't and refuse to listen to your voice prompting.

When will the turmoil end?

When will those who are so stubborn realise the damage being caused?

Only You are capable of healing the broken, giving life to the dead in spirit, encompassing those who struggle with You in and of yourself with the peace that passes all understanding...

I do not have all the answers for loved ones lost or brokenness of spirit amongst those who remain searching for understanding... Only faith of a mustard seed do I have tonight as I lay awake angry myself with the life that I cannot control and praying for those I love: some near, some across the way and some who choose to remain far away.

YES... I am frustrated and angry and unheard and overwhelmed!

Oh God I pray that you heal hearts before life takes its final breath...

There is no way of knowing what breath is our last.

This week I found out that a young woman, beautiful God-fearing mother and wife has breathed her last breath here on this earth. I looked up to her when I was young. Her Father, my pastor for years. Vibrant and in love with the Lord. Cancer made it's bed in her body and You allowed her to be healed on this anniversary of her earthly birth by receiving her into Your presence.

Why her? I know she believed but it doesn't ease the pain right now for those loving her and missing her.

Not to long back, my husband lost a brother from his time served. He lived through wars only to pass having fallen asleep driving not far from his home. I've never met him personally but I have heard the stories and I see the love of those who knew him well...
             
Why him? was he ready to meet you?

What about the other unknowns in this world. So many I grieve and I know we will never get to know where each stands but it doesn't change that I am weak and wish I could...

Of all the people in the world to suffer...

THERE ARE JUST SO MANY ...

People dying, sin overwhelming, hatred rising, forgiveness ceasing, marriages breaking, children weeping, churches abandon, and NO ONE TAKES RESPONSIBILITY...

Save us from our own destruction God...

Save me from my own pride and rage... I am so VERY weak I am reminded in these days. Talk the talk all I want but you see the depth of my pain. There is no place I can go that you do not see. No emotion that I feel that you have not felt. You know and I know you are near.

Give your creation, your children, the clarity to see You... the desire to submit to Your prompting... Reveal yourself to those who question and run. Draw them to the Truth...

Only You are the example of Love we should look to.
The Author and Perfecter  of our Faith.
The One who knows and has sacrificed it all for our sake.
You alone are worthy to be praised.

Tomorrow will come, but it may not be ours so move swiftly and have mercy on us Lord as this moment is the only one that you have given.

When the road is long...

This province that God has made my home has grown on me the past 11 years... For miles around you can see from the top of our third hill. Stunning in the summer months when all you can see is brightly coloured fields. Blinding in the winter as the sun cascades the snow covered frozen land. Humbling in the middle of the night when you can't begin to count the stars in a fraction of the sky that loom's over head. I am in awe of it's beauty... knowing that when He created it, it was good! Just for us to enjoy.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to write to you... the unknown world of listeners... I trust you are well and I thank you for your patience as the past two months have been so overwhelming for my beloved and I.

Before the past two months, God has had us on our knees the past two years... Praying for healing and  restoration in various situations of our lives. Sometimes in our pleading, God says "it's not time". We did not want to run like Jonah... Been there and done that. We have nothing to run from for we know who our Redeemer is whether or not others want to acknowledge that we are all sinners saved by grace no different one to the next. Our hearts desire has been to be patient as we wait for His perfect timing.

6 months ago he tossed out resumes, trusting that if He so desired, He would make away. We heard nothing and after a while, we were okay with that. He has been teaching us a lot about trust... "Do you trust me?" Bradley has been prompted over and over... "Daughter, how will you respond?" my thoughts continue to discern. Neither of us are naturally very good at either of these so it's amazing to me how He is teaching us together through each of our manners of processing. Having been torn to shreds in this town that God has done so much work in our lives to reveal Himself to us, we had lay our desire for healing here or the leading to be moved in His hands and waited.

Two months ago, the doors were flung wide and we both were at ease as we walked through...  Moving was not our first choice but we are at peace that it is His. We walk confidently knowing that opportunity will arise wherever we are in His will, relationships will be established in a way that is healthy and spiritually nourishing, and ultimately we choose to trust that in spite of the brokenness - He will bring about restoration in His time and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it because His work needs to be carried out in all lives involved.

The long straight stretches of highway in this province can deceive the length it takes to drive them... You can see the destination in the distant glow of night. Funny how we worry and grumble those last hard exhausting miles... it always seems to take forever to reach home... We always do though, by His grace we always do!

So we are off... With nothing to fear because we know the One who is our Counsellor and Provider. The only one who is Love and demonstrates love perfectly by the Lamb for our example.

Bradley has begun a new work in a town I had never been. A day's drive away from those we love and where there are only a handful of faces that we know. Our meagre belongings have been packed, moved and mostly settled in that new place that we both feel is just a little bit ours even though we know it's only for a time. I have returned to this tiny town to follow through with the commitment made to my "kids" here knowing that in 61 days this long stretch will take me to our new place that is home for us now...

I listen for the sound of the train that carries across the miles and pray for him as he works hard to learn his new role. I am so proud of you Bradley... For allowing God to use you as the leader of our home. Thank you for loving me, "this much"... I can't wait to be with you again as we wait on the Lord for continued resolve in our lives!

1 John 4: 1-6, 18-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; ³ and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. ⁴ You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love, because He first loved us. ²⁰ If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

When it's all said and done...

When it's all said and done... you can't get it back.

Time that is.

There is no rewind, no instant replay, no editing program perfected enough to change what is.

Sometimes however, I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with the peaceful and flirty and in-awe moments that are spent driving on the side roads through this beautiful province and into the next with the one man I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm okay with the cherished memories that fill my heart over the holidays spent with loved ones far away.

I quite enjoy the teasing and laughing.

The smell of wood fired burning in the hearth and turkeys roasting in the oven.

The flavors of sweet and savoury that are more abundant that we really need in a lifetime.

The sounds of carols sung, the noise of those snow machines, the joyous melodies of the endless amounts of family running around...

The cold mountain air as we wander the streets, the freezing wet snow on my cheek from my niece and nephews delight.

I never want to change the feeling of those frail hands that are wearied from life which still cling heartily to mine as my beloved and I sing of that Silent Night long ago. Her eyes hold steadfast to my gaze and it takes all within me to not blink and break the moment.

For all the money in the world, I wouldn't give up a moment held in the arms of my Mama who was far from perfect and yet is forgiven just the same as me. My best friend then and in my heart forever.

I cling to the words "I love you" from my Dad that I longed to hear those few times a year that I was able to spend time with him in my growing up days. How I needed him then and still now. Some things just don't change.

When it is all said and done... the hard and brokenness of this year seems futile as he and I rediscover the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. "Do you trust me?" He has asked us repeatedly over the past few months...

How can we not? We have both said we believe and we continue to choose to believe that He who gave us His Son to be born in the filth of humanity is who He Say's He is in His word. He has proven Himself over and over when we don't deserve proof in the first place.

When it's all said and done in this season of celebration, worship to the One True God and preparation for a new year, we choose to cherish moments, reflect and grow from others and leave the rest at the foot of the Cross with the One who knows. We trust Him who is faithful and pray for the boldness in this New Year to honor Him in everything we do.

Happy New Year friends and family... May the Lord bless you and keep you always, revealing Himself to you in the way each of you needs!

 

 

Isaiah 43

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,

And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.

“For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.

“Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.

“Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
And gather you from the west.

“I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring My sons from afar
And My daughters from the ends of the earth,
Everyone who is called by My name,
And whom I have created for My glory,
in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert,

To give drink to My chosen people.

“The people whom I formed for Myself

Will declare My praise.

When I'm human...

These days I am often found in a position where I am asked to stay silent... For various reasons. Students confide in that tranquil space where we meet to learn about their God given instrument or that precious one who carried me in her needs someone to confide in as she travels this life alone or situations that have gotten WAY out of hand are best left up to Him who works on our behalf.

To be honest, I am so sick of gossip and the broken trust that comes with it that I am trying very hard to learn what it means to hide words shared with me in my heart.

He see's those words shared when I do this.

That is all that matters.

But what happens when those words are about you and the one you have pledged your life to?

What about when the words I want to say are simply the truth and they are left dying inside because it's "better that way"?
 
I don't have the answer's.

I don't have the patience.

I don't want to fight a battle that is not my own anymore.

I don't want to care any more.

Is it so much to ask for, a simple phone call to say I made a mistake, I'm sorry? or I did it in spite but I'm sorry? or I didn't think about the consequence and I am sorry? or any of the other combinations that we could come up with for the endless ways we humans find to hurt one another?

I don't know about the rest of the world but I know when I have been informed, whether by the Holy Spirit or another human being, that I have hurt someone whether intentionally or honest ignorance I cannot sleep. My work suffers, my relationships suffer, everything suffers until I make that humiliated visit to say "I am so sorry I hurt you". No excuses.

The reality is... I am human.

I read Psalms like 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 over and over and I have to guard myself from lingering on the words that state "All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed..." (Psalm 6:10) because the humanity that surfaces on days like today cause my first reaction to say "thank you Lord" with wrong motivation. If you claim you have never done this very thing then you simply have categorised yourself as a hypocrite because in  one way, shape or form, we have all longed for vengeance.

The other reality it... they are human too.

I know I am not in a position to judge where people are at and honestly it is not a position I want to have. But I can't help myself as I plead for peace just as David did, How long oh Lord?

I re-read over and over the blessings within passages such as those mentioned and push my heart to focus internally where He has His work cut out.


"But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
¹² For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord,
You surround him with favor as with a shield."
Psalm 5:11, 12


I want peace in my life - peace that passes all understanding - peace that can only come from Him. Sometimes that peace comes only when we do what we can to make right of situations before we let those we love be.

I know the plans He has for us are not to harm and I have to remind myself of the promises He has made and release the rest into His care in order live in the fullness of forgiveness and grace.




But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. ²¹ So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19-21