My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

When the road is long...

This province that God has made my home has grown on me the past 11 years... For miles around you can see from the top of our third hill. Stunning in the summer months when all you can see is brightly coloured fields. Blinding in the winter as the sun cascades the snow covered frozen land. Humbling in the middle of the night when you can't begin to count the stars in a fraction of the sky that loom's over head. I am in awe of it's beauty... knowing that when He created it, it was good! Just for us to enjoy.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to write to you... the unknown world of listeners... I trust you are well and I thank you for your patience as the past two months have been so overwhelming for my beloved and I.

Before the past two months, God has had us on our knees the past two years... Praying for healing and  restoration in various situations of our lives. Sometimes in our pleading, God says "it's not time". We did not want to run like Jonah... Been there and done that. We have nothing to run from for we know who our Redeemer is whether or not others want to acknowledge that we are all sinners saved by grace no different one to the next. Our hearts desire has been to be patient as we wait for His perfect timing.

6 months ago he tossed out resumes, trusting that if He so desired, He would make away. We heard nothing and after a while, we were okay with that. He has been teaching us a lot about trust... "Do you trust me?" Bradley has been prompted over and over... "Daughter, how will you respond?" my thoughts continue to discern. Neither of us are naturally very good at either of these so it's amazing to me how He is teaching us together through each of our manners of processing. Having been torn to shreds in this town that God has done so much work in our lives to reveal Himself to us, we had lay our desire for healing here or the leading to be moved in His hands and waited.

Two months ago, the doors were flung wide and we both were at ease as we walked through...  Moving was not our first choice but we are at peace that it is His. We walk confidently knowing that opportunity will arise wherever we are in His will, relationships will be established in a way that is healthy and spiritually nourishing, and ultimately we choose to trust that in spite of the brokenness - He will bring about restoration in His time and there is absolutely nothing we can do to rush it because His work needs to be carried out in all lives involved.

The long straight stretches of highway in this province can deceive the length it takes to drive them... You can see the destination in the distant glow of night. Funny how we worry and grumble those last hard exhausting miles... it always seems to take forever to reach home... We always do though, by His grace we always do!

So we are off... With nothing to fear because we know the One who is our Counsellor and Provider. The only one who is Love and demonstrates love perfectly by the Lamb for our example.

Bradley has begun a new work in a town I had never been. A day's drive away from those we love and where there are only a handful of faces that we know. Our meagre belongings have been packed, moved and mostly settled in that new place that we both feel is just a little bit ours even though we know it's only for a time. I have returned to this tiny town to follow through with the commitment made to my "kids" here knowing that in 61 days this long stretch will take me to our new place that is home for us now...

I listen for the sound of the train that carries across the miles and pray for him as he works hard to learn his new role. I am so proud of you Bradley... For allowing God to use you as the leader of our home. Thank you for loving me, "this much"... I can't wait to be with you again as we wait on the Lord for continued resolve in our lives!

1 John 4: 1-6, 18-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; ³ and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. ⁴ You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love, because He first loved us. ²⁰ If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

Psalm 2...

Psalm 2 (NASB)

 Why are the nations in an uproar
And the peoples devising a vain thing?
² The kings of the earth take their stand
And the rulers take counsel together
Against the Lord and against His Anointed, saying,
³ “Let us tear their fetters apart
And cast away their cords from us!”

⁴ He who sits in the heavens laughs,
The Lord scoffs at them.
⁵ Then He will speak to them in His anger
And terrify them in His fury, saying,
⁶ “But as for Me, I have installed My King
Upon Zion, My holy mountain.”

⁷ “I will surely tell of the decree of the Lord:
He said to Me, ‘You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
⁸ ‘Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance,
And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.
⁹ ‘You shall break them with a rod of iron,
You shall shatter them like earthenware.’”

¹⁰ Now therefore, O kings, show discernment;

Take warning, O judges of the earth.

¹¹ Worship the Lord with reverence

And rejoice with trembling.

¹² Do homage to the Son, that He not become angry, and you perish in the way,

For His wrath may soon be kindled.

How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!

Psalm 1...

Psalm 1 (NASB)

 

1 How blessed is the man who does

not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
² But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
³ He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.

⁴ The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
⁶ For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.

 

 

 

Sort of Day...

Is it just me or do you have those days when you just want to run away from it all? Leave each of them to their own demise because it's just not worth it? and live in the quiet heart of the mountains until He returns to make all things new?

I do.

and today is one of those days.

It just doesn't seem to matter how you look at it, nothing I do or say is going to change anything. I have spent my entire adult life working through the fears of imperfection that was instilled in me at such a young age. Slowly, over the past 9 years, I have learnt to become confident in the skin God gave me and I've actually found myself excited to work hard for my Abba God rather than trying to be perfect for the one who I still hardly know and the ones who think they know me.

I take pride in the precious lives that trust my teaching in the studio as they grow in the Lord and become more confident in who He has created them to be. I take pride in doing my job well even if it's scrubbing ovens that haven't been cleaned in years. I am ever so passionate about the beauty He has given us to through the voices that follow the leading of my hands. I care deeply about the people I interact with day to day in my work even if I have to be firm to get the job done from time to time. I love my husband more each day and have even begun to learn to take joy in rubbing his aching feet when mine ache the same. And although I am far from perfect, I am exactly who I need to be in my Father's eyes because it's Him who I live for.

Does this mean that I am strong enough to take the non-physical beating that I and each one of us has found ourselves oppressed by at one point in time or another? Not in the least. I am not able.

Today is one of those days that I could just pack up and go.
But I won't.
I can't.

If I did, what would be accomplished?

I wouldn't learn that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I wouldn't learn what it is to take what I have in my own weakness succumbed to giving - the ill tasting seed of uneducated judgement. I wouldn't learn the value of taking that moment to breath deeply in order to speak the gentle words that turn wrath.

So what do I do with it? What do I do when I get to feeling like it's that sort of day? The sort of day when I feel completely helpless to the cruelties that all of humanity has dealt with in one way, shape or form? I give myself the freedom to dream of that place which I find peace and then remind myself that it's not about me. It's not about you. It's not even about the place that I work or any other ministry under the sun.

It's about Him and I realise it's a day filled with His presence is the sort of day I am truly craving. It's about Him working in and through you and me for His glory.

I am reminded in this moment that I do not need to bother with fretting about how people perceive me. It really doesn't matter because those people stand in their own way just as much as I do at times.

I know who He is.

I know He is Love. 

and I know that He is working to mold this imperfect ball of clay. I trust this Truth with all that I have been, am now and will be in the future. I know that on these sorts of days, when I am not, He is able.

Romans 8:38-39For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

One year...

It has been 1 year already.

1 year since I woke early that morning, cried over silly things getting ready, prayed in Jesus Name that the sun would make an entrance by the time our hour came, turned while my mama put on the necklace he bought for me, held my breath while they tied my dress, sped like crazy people to be only 15 minutes late...

1year since I got out of the truck, fixed my dress, held the arm of my dad and looked up through my veil to see him there waiting for me...

1 year since I walked carefully in my sought out saddle-oxford heels down the grass isle between the bails of hay where many of our loved ones sat shining as they watched. Slowly, row by row, they stood as I passed until they all stood behind us and I stood before him with Dad on one side, Mom on the other and our Heavenly Father beaming down on us through the rays of the sun that made it's entrance just in the nick of time.

I don't remember much of that day but I remember him. I remember our eyes glistening and our cheeks burning from the continuous smiles and giggles shared. I remember hearing his voice and the promises we vowed. I remember the shaking of his hand as the thin, shimmering band was slipped on my finger and how beautiful his hand looked as I put a band of strong metal over his. I remember the cool water on my feet as he knelt before me in an initial act of servanthood. I remember him saying "Husband and Wife" for the first time, his lips touching mine and knowing that he was it and I was glad.

This one year has been the hardest year of my life. We have lost friends and loved ones all while we have gained new ones. We have been scrutinised and accused but He has provided so many more who actually know us to come along side and support, pray and hold us to our word. We have fought hard but have determined to work through. In one year we have been learning to love ourselves through His eyes, we have been learning to fall deeper into love with each other through building our friendship, and most importantly we have been learning what it means to serve Him in loving and serving each other.

I never knew so much could come of 1 year. I never imagined how sweet it would feel to be held in his arms on the eve of our anniversary and remind each other of the words we spoke one year ago.

Bradley,

I love you. Today I choose to stand before you and willingly pledge myself to you under the headship of our Lord and Saviour.

You are my elect. The one that I have prayed for every day of my growing up years . I thank God for you. Not because you are perfect but because you have demonstrated to me what it means to love, to cherish, to challenge, to laugh, to follow, to trust, to grow, to persevere and to serve. You teach me these things not because you are perfect at accomplishing them but because you are not afraid to admit when you haven’t – nor are you afraid to let me know that I too fail at times. Thank you for your strength and for your tender patience.

I pledge today to be with you in all walks of life: To support, respect and honour you, to be faithful to you as unto the Lord, to hold you as you cry and to laugh with you as hard as we can for no reason at all. I choose to come to you when I’m broken and also share with you every joy.

I desire to serve you with my whole heart as we faithfully seek the Fathers will for both our lives together as well as for the lives of our children. Thank you for letting me love you and for letting me love those two precious gifts called Avery and Seth.

I vow to you today to love you even if it means loving imperfectly. To respect your leadership in our home and to come along side of you as we seek the Father’s good and perfect will for our life together. My prayer is that it will be my choice everyday for the rest of our lives on this earth.

Jessica,
I look at you standing here before me in pure amazement that this day has come at last.  I am so thankful to God for you as now the next chapter in our life has now begun in earnest.  Of all the things in my life that I have learned, the few things that have staid with me throughout would be these simple values that I have held dear in my heart and would love to share them with you as they are what binds us together today. 

Loyalty, I will be loyal and faithful to you and only you throughout the rest of my life on earth. Duty,  I will as your husband provide for you, protect you and love you.
Respect, I will listen when you ask me to, be proud of your accomplishments, and heed your advice when you give it
Selfless Service, I will put your needs above my own, thinking of you first and myself second without expectation.
Honor, I will watch my actions, and my thoughts to show you everyday that you are the only woman that I love and adore forever.
Integrity, I will put action into my words to show you that my word is true and to build a trust that cannot be shaken, especially during the trying times.
Personal Courage, I will always be upfront and honest with you, I will not hide anything from you.

These 7 values are what I will strive for, these are what I was required to uphold as a Sergeant in the United States Army.  The 7 values are an acronym, which spells leadership, and as individuals become a team in the army so too you and I go from individuals to becoming a team.  As we become one I want you to know that God will always be at the head of our union.  He will be honoured and glorified everyday, for a house built on the rock will never crumble.  As God is my witness, this I promise to you today.  I love you Jessica.

When he comes home...

Monday - Friday he's living in Calgary as he finishes up schooling for welding and I have to admit that at times it's nice having the house to myself once again. 

Please don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly when we're apart. But in spite of that, I would be lying if I didn't admit to the pleasure I feel in leaving the dishes just because I can or to simply have a bowl of cereal for supper if I don't feel like cooking or to leave my socks on the couch where I slipped them off before falling asleep while watching Dancing With The Stars ...

All things I hate to do when he comes home!

Why?

Because when he comes home I love to see him smile.

I love to see his face when our tiny home is as tidy as can be after a period of chaos due to busy work schedules.

I love listening to the noises he makes when he eats a meal that I've poured myself into making even if they are forced because I may have royally messed one or two of those dinners up.

I love to watch him fall asleep in my arms on the couch after he's worked hard all week even if it means I have to put his socks in the laundry basket myself.

Life isn't always peachy but it often contain roses when he comes home. Delicate creations that are enchanting to admire and breath in. I realize that the thorns can cause deep pain if not handled in a gracious manner but as we learn and grow together we realize that none of these wounds are insurmountable by the healing grace of forgiveness and love. At times it might be love for each other that can only come from our Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, but it is there...

Monday is gone now and there will be 3 more days where I will only hear his voice for a few minutes on the phone before we drift to sleep. So I keep my hands busy and look forward to when he comes home to me.