When I'm human...

These days I am often found in a position where I am asked to stay silent... For various reasons. Students confide in that tranquil space where we meet to learn about their God given instrument or that precious one who carried me in her needs someone to confide in as she travels this life alone or situations that have gotten WAY out of hand are best left up to Him who works on our behalf.

To be honest, I am so sick of gossip and the broken trust that comes with it that I am trying very hard to learn what it means to hide words shared with me in my heart.

He see's those words shared when I do this.

That is all that matters.

But what happens when those words are about you and the one you have pledged your life to?

What about when the words I want to say are simply the truth and they are left dying inside because it's "better that way"?
 
I don't have the answer's.

I don't have the patience.

I don't want to fight a battle that is not my own anymore.

I don't want to care any more.

Is it so much to ask for, a simple phone call to say I made a mistake, I'm sorry? or I did it in spite but I'm sorry? or I didn't think about the consequence and I am sorry? or any of the other combinations that we could come up with for the endless ways we humans find to hurt one another?

I don't know about the rest of the world but I know when I have been informed, whether by the Holy Spirit or another human being, that I have hurt someone whether intentionally or honest ignorance I cannot sleep. My work suffers, my relationships suffer, everything suffers until I make that humiliated visit to say "I am so sorry I hurt you". No excuses.

The reality is... I am human.

I read Psalms like 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 over and over and I have to guard myself from lingering on the words that state "All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed..." (Psalm 6:10) because the humanity that surfaces on days like today cause my first reaction to say "thank you Lord" with wrong motivation. If you claim you have never done this very thing then you simply have categorised yourself as a hypocrite because in  one way, shape or form, we have all longed for vengeance.

The other reality it... they are human too.

I know I am not in a position to judge where people are at and honestly it is not a position I want to have. But I can't help myself as I plead for peace just as David did, How long oh Lord?

I re-read over and over the blessings within passages such as those mentioned and push my heart to focus internally where He has His work cut out.


"But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
¹² For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord,
You surround him with favor as with a shield."
Psalm 5:11, 12


I want peace in my life - peace that passes all understanding - peace that can only come from Him. Sometimes that peace comes only when we do what we can to make right of situations before we let those we love be.

I know the plans He has for us are not to harm and I have to remind myself of the promises He has made and release the rest into His care in order live in the fullness of forgiveness and grace.




But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. ²¹ So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:19-21