My little Kidney Bean...

Today, 2 years ago today, we let the wonderful world of Facebook in on our teeny, tiny, kidney bean sized little secret... it's quite hard to believe how the time has passed so quickly!

A baby was something I'd dreamed about, longed for, wanted so desperately in my life. It's pretty safe to say however, God knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were not ready in those first years. There was to much hard. We were to hard. Even after trying hard at life and loosing more battles than won and learning to wait however impatiently, that year of being pregnant was still So. Very. Hard.

We've encountered and experienced and incredible amount of strive in those first years. Much self inflicted as most of humanity seems to do. But also a horrific amount saddled on our emotions from the outside. God knew that in and through and on this side of things, that it was okay. That even though there was and still is much to slug through, we know, God knows, that our desire is for peace in our home, reconciliation with those we love and to see that above all, God is honored in this life he's given us.

It's been quite a journey thus far. That little kidney bean that was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in the dark of me, is nothing shy of a miracle for us. Dustin James Bradley... An abundance of joy, it's been an incredible experience being able to love him.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.
PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW.
PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY HOSTS.
PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST.
AMEN!

Psalm 3

Psalm 3 (NASB)

O Lord, how my adversaries have increased!

Many are rising up against me.

Many are saying of my soul,

“There is no deliverance for him in God.” Selah.

But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,

My glory, and the One who lifts my head.

I was crying to the Lord with my voice,

And He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah. 

I lay down and slept;

I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.

I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people

Who have set themselves against me round about.

Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God!

For You have smitten all my enemies on the cheek;

You have shattered the teeth of the wicked.

Salvation belongs to the Lord;

Your blessing be upon Your people!         Selah.

The other side of winter...

Again it's been a while... a long while. I feel that is how I start most journal entries or blog posts as of late... These pages have been silent for many reasons and for reasons that will remain within the safety of my home...

It seems that the brutality that bares it's teeth through the bitter cold winter months has been the escence of our life. Changes that we had our hopes set to bring great joy and renewal instead tried to tear us apart... Heart ache, exhaughstion, unpaid work, multiple job changes, death of loved ones, unresolved relationships that still weigh heavy on our hearts, and what we thought was the end of us.

2013.

A year that we are glad is over.

2014.

A year of many ups and downs that I simply couldn't find it in me to write about.

This year, on this side of winter, as the piles of snow that were higher than our vehicle melt into the ground and bring moisture to our air, we breath.

One
breath
at
a
time

It's barely what we can manage at this point. But it's all we are asked of, isn't it? One day at a time. Not worried about tomorrow?

On this side of winter I feel like I feel again. Sometimes it's not wanted. Sometimes, in those bitter cold moments that cut through on an off day as the world comes back to life, I just want to give into the frozen again. It seems easier to live in the numb. In the dark. Ignore the sun and it's warmth as it works brilliantly to bring life into the seemingly dead world.

On this side of winter it's a lot of work. A lot of energy for the buds to give way in order to allow for the beauty that longs to be free. But it is worth is, isn't it?

All the time. Energy. Dedication of the One who cultivates. In order to restore things to the state of life that the Creator created life to be?

On this side of winter life consists of a balancing act working toward growth and beauty. Learning to love, forgive and live this life in a way that is above all honoring to the One who's opinion matters most. 

Things are far from perfect on this side of winter but our God is faithful. Providing for our needs of each day. No more, no less.

I am back.
I am going to try to be back anyhow.
Because God is greater than the dark times and its His Love for us and His work in us that we want to share...

The end of the second...

You always hear that the first of year of marriage is always the hardest... It was a doozie but the second was more than a little trying in itself. The truth is, life with people is never easy. Life trying to meet the needs of relationships is "hard work". I laugh at that because it seems that those two words don't do justice to realistic depth of energy that actually goes into it!

It's so easy to put one selfish decision after another creating a web of distraction and destruction. It's so easy to let one hurtful word lead to another and another tearing at the core of the one you've promised to protect with every ounce of your being. It's so very easy to loose sight of why you married each other when we get focused on our own ambitions instead of choosing to see the needs of our partners.

I love my husband.

I know that he loves me.

It isn't perfect. There is much work to be done to heal what's been done and grow into what we have the potential of being.  It is possible though...

We were created to be in a marriage relationship and we are never given more than we are able to deal with. The trick we are learning is the daily choice that is involved in this process of growth. One choice can be the difference between life and death in a marriage. Daily submission to the beautiful God given boundaries and roles that are given in His Word are crucial to growth. 

The second part is the gift and challenge of forgiveness. Every day, we seem to find things that one or the other or both need to seek, receive or extend forgiveness. Whether we choose to seek, receive or extend - well that's a whole other story. But it is our goal.

So today, as he is miles away working on learning a new aspect of his job and I am here listening to the whirring of the dishwasher trying to drown out the song my student sang as I walked down that isle... as I prepare for him to come home soon, I just wanted to take a minute to reflect about us, about that day and about the work HE is faithfully doing in our lives...

I love you Bradley Greene. I always will...

I Love You... And there ain't nothin you can do about it!

A lot has occurred the past couple of weeks in our lives and this post was missed in getting posted... Love you Mandy :)


We all have our journey's in life. We don't have a choice in the circumstance we are born into. In some regards, we don't really have a choice in our learnt behavior as children. But there comes a time in life when we do get to choose how we respond... We do get to choose what vices we turn to, how long or hard we run, and what methods of manipulation we use to cover our tracks. Christian or not, we're all human and we all do it in one way or another.

We also get to choose when enough has become enough and we allow ourselves the freedom to forgive ourselves, forgive others and move on in life in a healthy approach to reconciliation.

This journey however takes some people longer than others...

This journey is not one that is easy when our entire societal world view is one that nearly condemns healthy, nurturing relationships with boundary's and respect because it's all about "ME"...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think selfishness is anything new to this world... Started in Genesis and is vibrant in our lives today. 

My sister and I just spent two weeks together while I was home. Two weeks without an argument, emotional break down over the past, really without much of a disagreement that wasn't able to be managed by agreeing to disagree because we love each other more than the hurt we have caused each other...

This is huge for us.

It has been years, literally years, since we've gone 24 hours without cause for disagreement. You know why, because of selfishness. I disagreed with her life choices and I pushed and pushed and pushed for her to see the error of her ways. Were some of her choices damaging, yes and I was scared for her at times and so in my head and with the help of twisting my faith to justify, I just "knew" I was right in my thoughts and actions.

How my pride got in the way of loving her through the way she has experienced life. It's amazing to me how the same home that sheltered us grew completely different people... Maybe some of it was self inflicted but who doesn't have pain in their lives caused my their own hands?

It's amazing to me the difference in our relationship as I've begun to love her where she is at. It's amazing to me the changes I see as we both own our choices in life. We are not on the same page in a lot of ways right now, especially with regards to our faith but that's not my job to ridicule and judge the work of One that is not mine to fulfill as I find ways to make her feel condemned.

It doesn't matter how far she has run or how long it was those years we didn't speak; just because I was in one place for that time with the perception of my life being put together doesn't make my journey less travelled... I love her. I choose to love her and make that love known to her.

She is my sister. and there is nothing she can do about it!


Is there someone in your life that you need to grab my the arms, look into their eyes and tell them "I love you, and there ain't nothing you can do about it!"  .... ?

Waiting for the morning...

It's amazing to me how long these northern Alberta nights are. I was out driving last night just spending some much needed time with the Lord and it was so light, so late. 11:45pm and there was still a stripe of pink across that horizon above the hills and trees.

It really is beautiful up here. Absolutely beautiful. And there are even a few lakes. Still not quite like the lakes I swam in as a child but they are there for me to enjoy. The trees and hills and herds of animals everywhere!

Even in the city itself, I'm amazed as I venture out how many parks surround. Manicured beautifully for residents to enjoy. Bored people are boring people I heard once and here, as long as you don't mind your walking shoes there seems to be endless opportunity to enjoy life.

My job is going well. Part time with funny gals to share the few hours a week preparing orders for weddings and other parties. I'm still waiting for my Lia Sophia business to take off up here so I keep my nose to the ground and work hard to promote.

I keep waiting for the morning though...
I've been promised that it will bring Joy...

It's hard to wait out the storms of life. You see I'm not a very patient person it seems. Always thought I was but it's lessened a great deal these past couple years. As beautiful as that glowing pink I see spanning the sky when I should be sleeping I can't help but be thankful for it's beauty while being reminded that the nights can be long sometimes.

I long for the morning, the dawn that brings the joy of the Lord. I know it will come. I have seen the promises of our God over and over so I choose to tell that creeping doubt where to go in Jesus Name!

Resting in His arms, taking one moment at a time, I trust in His promises for us here in this new town He led us too.

Simplification...

I am home...

Those words still feel strange to say here after 11 years in that 3 bump town...

There is much to be done still as I try to find work while I sort through boxes.  I don't know how we fit it all into that little 600 square foot apartment. Actually, I guess we never really did seen as we every inch of it was used primarily for storage and the guest suite storage was filled with our boxes and my in-law's basement had even more... All things considered, we don't have a "lot" compared to our society's standards (a lot being keepsakes I won't be parting with) but I've been feeling like it's still more than we need. Aside from those few boxes that contain memories of my heritage that will make their appearance someday when we have room enough for a china hutch, there is still a lot that is unnecessary clutter building around us . Even if it's in a box in storage, then what's the point.

The past few years, with all the trauma that has been inflicted on my life I have begun to experience overwhelming senses of panic that causes me to shut down. My chest tightens and breathing is difficult. Thoughts I never thought I would think run wild and I want to escape even the simplest of situations. The things, I suppose have become our way of feeling like there is something in our life we can control so we buy this and pick up that along the way which has caused more issues than just the clutter.

Our life has been anything but peaceful and now that we are here, in this new home that actually feels like a home for us, I have been thinking a lot about all this stuff that surrounds. I had to pack it all in about a three week period and now having more time in the unpacking, I can't help but think about it. We may not be able to do anything about social media being used to try and destroy the people God is trying to mold us into being; I can't do anything about the dreams that I awaken from or the fears that have been burned into me over the past months, but we can take steps to be sure that this home He has brought us to is our safe place.

In taking the time to simplify I am praying a few things might be accomplished...

one... I pray that in doing so, the Lord might do some healing in my life. Maybe in letting go of some of these boxes of cloths that hold dreams of what I used to be will allow me to trust Him more in decisions for today... Don't get me wrong, health and wellness is high of B and my priority right now but the choice has been made that when the work has been done to rid some of this stress from our bodies, then we deserve to put fresh new things on us rather than the past! Ha, trusting the Lord to provide for those new things when the time comes.

two... Maybe I can just accept that taking time for me, for Us, in this process is Okay. It's okay to have a serene place to exist outside of the chaos of work and life not in our control. We are in the real world again where we can have people God brings into our life who are safe for us to enter into a real relationship with. You see, that is another journey I've been on... the irony of safe relationships for a blogger... another conversation for another day.

three... It's probably good for me to actually learn again how to set goals for myself and see them through to accomplishment. I've been afraid these past two years, that nothing I do or say or can ever be will be good enough. So I don't because then I don't have to fail. The problem is, the perspective of others really doesn't matter... It's so easily construed to be what ever anyone wants to make of my life. I wonder if that's how God feels about His Word sometimes, when it's used to kill and destroy instead of building into people? I know what is what in my heart as I wrestle life with God. That's all that matters. I don't have to be afraid.

I am nervous for this process... Once upon a time, I was a relatively confident person yet I haven't hardly managed to read through an entire book in the past months, let alone set up the task of re-organizing my life!

I haven't had the strength to really consider the changes that have occurred the past couple years. But I think I am ready. I think I need to be ready now. I can't expect change in my life if I don't take even the most hesitant, baby steps towards these goals of building a balances healthy life for myself, for us, for them...

It starts here, it starts now...

Imperfect, messy but His Grace is enough...

Romans 12

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

 

³ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. ⁴ For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, ⁵ so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. ⁶ Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; ⁷ or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; ⁸ he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

 

⁹ Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; ¹¹ not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; ¹² rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; ¹³ distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

 

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

 

¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹ Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 

 

 ²⁰ Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

If he is thirsty, give him a drink;

For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.