When they turn...

This morning I flipped the covers back, threw on my shorts, T-shirt and hat, brushed my teeth and headed out the door in flip-flops only to discover the air that was so hot yesterday has turned cold this morning.
 
It's time. The proof is in the leaves when they turn.

I noticed the sun beginning to sleep earlier than I'd prefer a couple days ago. I've seen the beautiful yellow fields turn rust before they were cut to the dry on the ground. I smell the dusty air as they work so hard all around to process what was seed only a few months ago.
 
I hear the sounds of a campus full of students and the banging of the new residence moving into our little apartment building. I've received emails from students new and old wanting to know when they get to come for lessons. I feel the twinge of nerves as I think about the first day of school because any good teacher knows that we learn just as much as we teach if we allow ourselves.
 
I saw them this morning. When I drove down the street to drop off paperwork and run errands. I saw them blowing in that air so cold this morning. They had turned and they had fallen from the heights. I looked up and it seems over night the bright green they have been all summer has begun to fade as the yellow pigment overtakes.

 
It doesn't seem real that the summer is nearing it's end here. I am sure we will have more warm weather before the geese begin their trip but there is nothing one can do to slow the process once they've begun to turn. 
 
So I take time today. In the cool of the morning, to enjoy watching them sway on the mighty bows that they have clung to through the past months. They have hung on for dear life this season as there has been much trouble in the weather. The wind, hail and unpredictable patterns have put these leaves through the ringer. But they've held on. With the strength He created in their thin stems in order to wait out His timing to change all sort of beautiful colours before beginning their decent.

I will take time to enjoy the beautiful colours that they will turn over the next weeks before they make their bed on the ground. It's in these subtle moments of change that God's plan for each season in my life is revealed.

I am so thankful for this, my favourite time of year, when they turn.
 

Ecclesiastes 3 (NASB)

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;A time for war and a time for peace.

Sort of Day...

Is it just me or do you have those days when you just want to run away from it all? Leave each of them to their own demise because it's just not worth it? and live in the quiet heart of the mountains until He returns to make all things new?

I do.

and today is one of those days.

It just doesn't seem to matter how you look at it, nothing I do or say is going to change anything. I have spent my entire adult life working through the fears of imperfection that was instilled in me at such a young age. Slowly, over the past 9 years, I have learnt to become confident in the skin God gave me and I've actually found myself excited to work hard for my Abba God rather than trying to be perfect for the one who I still hardly know and the ones who think they know me.

I take pride in the precious lives that trust my teaching in the studio as they grow in the Lord and become more confident in who He has created them to be. I take pride in doing my job well even if it's scrubbing ovens that haven't been cleaned in years. I am ever so passionate about the beauty He has given us to through the voices that follow the leading of my hands. I care deeply about the people I interact with day to day in my work even if I have to be firm to get the job done from time to time. I love my husband more each day and have even begun to learn to take joy in rubbing his aching feet when mine ache the same. And although I am far from perfect, I am exactly who I need to be in my Father's eyes because it's Him who I live for.

Does this mean that I am strong enough to take the non-physical beating that I and each one of us has found ourselves oppressed by at one point in time or another? Not in the least. I am not able.

Today is one of those days that I could just pack up and go.
But I won't.
I can't.

If I did, what would be accomplished?

I wouldn't learn that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I wouldn't learn what it is to take what I have in my own weakness succumbed to giving - the ill tasting seed of uneducated judgement. I wouldn't learn the value of taking that moment to breath deeply in order to speak the gentle words that turn wrath.

So what do I do with it? What do I do when I get to feeling like it's that sort of day? The sort of day when I feel completely helpless to the cruelties that all of humanity has dealt with in one way, shape or form? I give myself the freedom to dream of that place which I find peace and then remind myself that it's not about me. It's not about you. It's not even about the place that I work or any other ministry under the sun.

It's about Him and I realise it's a day filled with His presence is the sort of day I am truly craving. It's about Him working in and through you and me for His glory.

I am reminded in this moment that I do not need to bother with fretting about how people perceive me. It really doesn't matter because those people stand in their own way just as much as I do at times.

I know who He is.

I know He is Love. 

and I know that He is working to mold this imperfect ball of clay. I trust this Truth with all that I have been, am now and will be in the future. I know that on these sorts of days, when I am not, He is able.

Romans 8:38-39For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Missing them...

How is it possible to miss someone so much that you've just met?

It is.

Love at first sight I guess you could say.

I think I knew it would happen that way. It's maybe why I wasn't as nervous as people expected me to be when meeting them for the first time after nearly 2 years of hearing thier voice over the phone. I was definately more nervous for him than I was for myself.

Now, we are home, and they are there in the home they know. We are seperated by mountain ranges and many miles of highway with no idea when we will see them next.

I miss them.

I know he misses them too, more than I dare to describe.

The love of thier Daddy is something we can only pray right now that they felt in those brief moments we were able to hold them. We have to trust that the words of we speak into the invisible lines of our phone are heard true by thier hearts.

I know they cannot read this. They will have no idea I am writing this note to them and to you but it doesn't change the fact that it is a huge part of our life. Our missing them.

We miss you, we love you and our home will always be your home. We trust that His promise will be held true, that this time in which we are seperated will be restored, for your sake and ours.

Captured...

We sat there in the park waiting. It was a town I've never been to while my beloveds heart was turning over memories both good and bad. It's amazing how sitting still in one place can create such waves of emotion.

We waited for them. Those two beautiful faces that I have never seen except through photo's and he has spent years agonising from not seeing them in so long. I've heard their voices.  Laughed ridiculously with them, shed tears on the phone with them, heard them play their instruments for us, read to us, and talk with us. This moment however, would be the most precious moment in our relationship.

In that moment, we saw them peaking from behind the seats. We saw them waiting patiently to be freed from their vehicle. They tentatively walked along side before being given a nod which led to the moment he stood while they ran furiously into his arms calling his name, "DADDY!".

I stood back, hesitantly as they embraced. Four little arms wrapped up his his as the tears flowed from precious eyes. He tried to be brave, to hold back, but I knew his heart. Men are men when they allow their emotions to show they are human and I am so proud of him for the being the man He has called
him to be!

It wasn't too long before he, the one who I can only imagine is a spitting image of what his daddy was and is in actions and personality, excitedly began to show him his colouring book as they seated themselves at the dark wooden pick-nick table.

She stayed standing. Peering at me from behind the strong shoulders of her Daddy. I knew that it was okay to then step into their moment. To be introduced into our future moments at that time.

I walked toward her as she flung her arms open and embraced me. We had waited a long time and I will never forget how she held me like she never wanted to let go. I will never forget the beautiful tears that she shed. I will never forget the small voice asking his Daddy, "Is that Jessica?" right before being nearly knocked over as her and I were grabbed from the side. I will never forget that first embrace of those two who in spite of the distance are a part of Us.

I will forever be captured by this moment!

Isaiah 57:18-19

“I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners,
¹⁹ Creating the praise of the lips.
Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near,”
Says the Lord, “and I will heal him.”

One year...

It has been 1 year already.

1 year since I woke early that morning, cried over silly things getting ready, prayed in Jesus Name that the sun would make an entrance by the time our hour came, turned while my mama put on the necklace he bought for me, held my breath while they tied my dress, sped like crazy people to be only 15 minutes late...

1year since I got out of the truck, fixed my dress, held the arm of my dad and looked up through my veil to see him there waiting for me...

1 year since I walked carefully in my sought out saddle-oxford heels down the grass isle between the bails of hay where many of our loved ones sat shining as they watched. Slowly, row by row, they stood as I passed until they all stood behind us and I stood before him with Dad on one side, Mom on the other and our Heavenly Father beaming down on us through the rays of the sun that made it's entrance just in the nick of time.

I don't remember much of that day but I remember him. I remember our eyes glistening and our cheeks burning from the continuous smiles and giggles shared. I remember hearing his voice and the promises we vowed. I remember the shaking of his hand as the thin, shimmering band was slipped on my finger and how beautiful his hand looked as I put a band of strong metal over his. I remember the cool water on my feet as he knelt before me in an initial act of servanthood. I remember him saying "Husband and Wife" for the first time, his lips touching mine and knowing that he was it and I was glad.

This one year has been the hardest year of my life. We have lost friends and loved ones all while we have gained new ones. We have been scrutinised and accused but He has provided so many more who actually know us to come along side and support, pray and hold us to our word. We have fought hard but have determined to work through. In one year we have been learning to love ourselves through His eyes, we have been learning to fall deeper into love with each other through building our friendship, and most importantly we have been learning what it means to serve Him in loving and serving each other.

I never knew so much could come of 1 year. I never imagined how sweet it would feel to be held in his arms on the eve of our anniversary and remind each other of the words we spoke one year ago.

Bradley,

I love you. Today I choose to stand before you and willingly pledge myself to you under the headship of our Lord and Saviour.

You are my elect. The one that I have prayed for every day of my growing up years . I thank God for you. Not because you are perfect but because you have demonstrated to me what it means to love, to cherish, to challenge, to laugh, to follow, to trust, to grow, to persevere and to serve. You teach me these things not because you are perfect at accomplishing them but because you are not afraid to admit when you haven’t – nor are you afraid to let me know that I too fail at times. Thank you for your strength and for your tender patience.

I pledge today to be with you in all walks of life: To support, respect and honour you, to be faithful to you as unto the Lord, to hold you as you cry and to laugh with you as hard as we can for no reason at all. I choose to come to you when I’m broken and also share with you every joy.

I desire to serve you with my whole heart as we faithfully seek the Fathers will for both our lives together as well as for the lives of our children. Thank you for letting me love you and for letting me love those two precious gifts called Avery and Seth.

I vow to you today to love you even if it means loving imperfectly. To respect your leadership in our home and to come along side of you as we seek the Father’s good and perfect will for our life together. My prayer is that it will be my choice everyday for the rest of our lives on this earth.

Jessica,
I look at you standing here before me in pure amazement that this day has come at last.  I am so thankful to God for you as now the next chapter in our life has now begun in earnest.  Of all the things in my life that I have learned, the few things that have staid with me throughout would be these simple values that I have held dear in my heart and would love to share them with you as they are what binds us together today. 

Loyalty, I will be loyal and faithful to you and only you throughout the rest of my life on earth. Duty,  I will as your husband provide for you, protect you and love you.
Respect, I will listen when you ask me to, be proud of your accomplishments, and heed your advice when you give it
Selfless Service, I will put your needs above my own, thinking of you first and myself second without expectation.
Honor, I will watch my actions, and my thoughts to show you everyday that you are the only woman that I love and adore forever.
Integrity, I will put action into my words to show you that my word is true and to build a trust that cannot be shaken, especially during the trying times.
Personal Courage, I will always be upfront and honest with you, I will not hide anything from you.

These 7 values are what I will strive for, these are what I was required to uphold as a Sergeant in the United States Army.  The 7 values are an acronym, which spells leadership, and as individuals become a team in the army so too you and I go from individuals to becoming a team.  As we become one I want you to know that God will always be at the head of our union.  He will be honoured and glorified everyday, for a house built on the rock will never crumble.  As God is my witness, this I promise to you today.  I love you Jessica.