Perseverance is not about me...

"Christian perseverance is about God's faithfulness not our ability or strength" preached Pastor Brad Harback yesterday morning... Those words hit me like a semi-truck and I didn't hear anything else for a moment or two, or three.
 
His Faithfulness.
 
There it is again...
 
I've spent countless hours working numerous jobs recently to make ends meet along with trying to fit in all my planning for our Choir program... We perform this weekend and my heart still wrestles with scripture and vision and just what is interpreted correctly. My "kids" are so patient and eager to learn and I  know there are co-workers amid that think I am inadequate.

People in this community who think I shouldn't be in spiritual leadership of the kind I am in. Working with young people who are impressionable. Obviously chooseing to marry someone who is open about his past life is a worse sinner than those who run the church and hide thier sins of judgement and condemnation. Maybe even worse, they don't hide it and yet get away with it because we wouldn't dare call them out on how they've treated those of us who are "beneath" them in the scale of sin.

My husband and I walk confidently in the knowledge that our God is our Savior. He has forgiven and whether people want to let it go themselves, is not our problem. Even still, I am human and there is only so much slander and malicious gossip from "friends" and people who think they know you but really only know what has been said about you along with hurtful words from those who are in authority over you either in the workplace or in the church that one can be afforded before a person questions. (This leads to another subject that was impressed on my heart about the Church and how we ought not to give up on it because again, it's not about the people who run the church... I will blog about that at a later date)

I know very well in my head that I do not need to justify my life or choices because I know where my heart lies and it's with my Jesus... He speaks to my spirit and leads my life as I seek after Him. But there are times, in my humanity that I do doubt myself and my God and think I am inadequate.
 
I found myself challenged at one of my places of work this week and a young mother who I have known for years came right out in earnest seeking and asking "Why?" Why is it that I believe what I believe, terrified of the end time as she was raised Catholic and has been reading through revelations... What makes my faith different from all other religions of the world? and I stumbled, I wasn't prepared, I haven't had to be prepared for a long time in this place of self righteousness. My words I fear were inadequate.
 
The past two years I've face more false accusations and emotional trauma caused by the brokenness of others. I've wrestled with choices loved ones make and the attitudes and judgement of other loved ones... I've struggled with my husband. Oh I love him with all my heart but we struggle and how I've chosen to respond to all of these situations has often been inadequate...
 
Who am I kidding?
 
On this earth - I am never going to be adequate.
 
I am never going to be able to live up to the expectations of people around me let alone the expectations of my own self as I explore HIS Word and try to reflect it in my choices.
 
I can't do it.
 
And I don't have to.
 
Because it's about His faithfulness... His love for us.
 
Isn't that what Scripture talks about when it is said
 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God,  not by works, so that no one can boast."     Ephesians 2:8-9...

 

"For GOD so LOVED the world that

He gave His one and only Son" ...

 

to die on the cross as the only pure sacrificial Lamb fulfilling the Old Testament prophecy as our High Priest

 

..."so that WHO EVER believes in Him

will not perish but have everlasting life"    

 John 3:16

 
His faithfulness does not mean that we will live without suffering... Grateful for my freedom in this world, I fear that we become complacent in our faith because of it.

We say that we can find our refuge in life if we are good enough, make enough money, hang out with the proper people... It's not about that. It's about HIM. The end times will come and depending on your interpretation we may be called to experience death on this earth in ways that seem unfathomable...
 
But how will we choose to respond...
 
Will we choose to realise that its about His faithfulness? That He who began a good work in us will fulfil it when we meet Him in glory?
 
I want to choose life in Christ... I choose to believe that there is nothing I can do to be good enough because that would defeat Christs death and Resurrection to make a way. Its very clear when Jesus states in John 14:6, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"...
 
I know all of this in my heart but sometimes we need to be reminded; to be sharpened so that we are prepared with an answer. Just because the race of this life may seem long and our bodies begin to ache from the painful burn of what ever situation you have or are experiencing, as we push forward we know...

He is faithful.

 

"...let us lay aside every weight,

and the sin which so easily ensnares us,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 

looking unto Jesus, t

he author and finisher of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross,

despising the shame,

 and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

 

Hebrews 12:1-2 

Monologue from a student...

This monologue was written by one of my students, Elizabeth Peters, who perfectly depicts the story and emotion that will be shared by the choir I conduct here on April 13th... Wondrous Love! Thank you Elizabeth for giving permission to share this script, one that captures my own searching heart of humanity and response to sin!

David: the man after God’s own heart

Failure!!!  I try, and I try, and still I stumble, time and again. 
This should not happen, not to me.  I am a king, a leader of men, responsible before God for my people.  If anyone needs to have it put together, that should be me.  Why is it so difficult?  It is maddening, frustrating, and so discouraging to fall again, just when you thought you had it right. 

            From the time I was a small boy I have searched after God.  My heart has cried out for him all my life.  It’s not easy growing up as the Lord’s anointed, with the expectation to behave perfectly, the responsibility on your shoulders.  But God was with me, and for years I walked so confidently.  I knew my God and I knew He wouldn’t let me down.  But then I became complacent.

            It wasn’t so bad at first, a little slip, a stumble now and again.  It’s easy to rectify those mistakes.  Then those small things become bigger things.  I praise God with my lips then go out and deny Him by my actions.  How could he save a wretch like me?  But He does.  I am astounded every time, but He saves me from myself and sets my feet on the rock once more.  But every time it’s harder to get back up.  Yes, I can struggle to my feet, but it feels like I spend most of my life flat on my face in the dust.  And every time, without fail, someone is there to witness my brokenness.  People begin to lose faith in my ability to lead.  It is a vicious cycle of doubt, trusting my own ability, and failing.  Those who talk only see my failure.  They don’t see me crying out to God, begging Him for help.  They don’t understand what it is to experience His forgiveness.  He does forgive; He will never forsake me.

But it’s all head knowledge.  I can think it and say it, but still my wandering heart doubts.  At what point will I truly begin to believe the things I say?  If I really believed it, I wouldn’t fall so often.  But here I am, on my knees again.  I have fallen in sin and now I fall
before God. 

           Search me, O God, and find my weaknesses. 
I know you can, and you will. 
Have you ever failed me? 
No, not once, despite how often I fail you. 

You love has never wavered.  You never weaken.  I try, and I
try, and you never desert me.  I’m facedown here, God. 

My heart is heavy within me.  Can you see my tears, tears of

anguish.  I failed miserably, and this time I don’t know if
there is any way to make it right.  I’m done, God.  I can’t do

this anymore.  Where else can I go?  There is nowhere to

turn but to you.

A Psalm from me... pleading mercy.

Oh God, I'm just going to be real and raw here for a minute because I am sick and I am tired and I just don't feel like going with the flow anymore!

I know you didn't intend for the world to be as it is. When you first spoke life into being, it was good. I understand your heart must break for the brokenness of this world that continues to comb through the lives of the beings you knit together so intricately in the likeness of your image.

Yet illness plagues.
Choices are made.

Lives are
b r o k e n
s h a t t e r e d
t o r n

People are angry. With each other. With you.

Forgiveness is held back.

Bitterness seeps even the hearts of those who claim to love in Your name the same as those who don't and refuse to listen to your voice prompting.

When will the turmoil end?

When will those who are so stubborn realise the damage being caused?

Only You are capable of healing the broken, giving life to the dead in spirit, encompassing those who struggle with You in and of yourself with the peace that passes all understanding...

I do not have all the answers for loved ones lost or brokenness of spirit amongst those who remain searching for understanding... Only faith of a mustard seed do I have tonight as I lay awake angry myself with the life that I cannot control and praying for those I love: some near, some across the way and some who choose to remain far away.

YES... I am frustrated and angry and unheard and overwhelmed!

Oh God I pray that you heal hearts before life takes its final breath...

There is no way of knowing what breath is our last.

This week I found out that a young woman, beautiful God-fearing mother and wife has breathed her last breath here on this earth. I looked up to her when I was young. Her Father, my pastor for years. Vibrant and in love with the Lord. Cancer made it's bed in her body and You allowed her to be healed on this anniversary of her earthly birth by receiving her into Your presence.

Why her? I know she believed but it doesn't ease the pain right now for those loving her and missing her.

Not to long back, my husband lost a brother from his time served. He lived through wars only to pass having fallen asleep driving not far from his home. I've never met him personally but I have heard the stories and I see the love of those who knew him well...
             
Why him? was he ready to meet you?

What about the other unknowns in this world. So many I grieve and I know we will never get to know where each stands but it doesn't change that I am weak and wish I could...

Of all the people in the world to suffer...

THERE ARE JUST SO MANY ...

People dying, sin overwhelming, hatred rising, forgiveness ceasing, marriages breaking, children weeping, churches abandon, and NO ONE TAKES RESPONSIBILITY...

Save us from our own destruction God...

Save me from my own pride and rage... I am so VERY weak I am reminded in these days. Talk the talk all I want but you see the depth of my pain. There is no place I can go that you do not see. No emotion that I feel that you have not felt. You know and I know you are near.

Give your creation, your children, the clarity to see You... the desire to submit to Your prompting... Reveal yourself to those who question and run. Draw them to the Truth...

Only You are the example of Love we should look to.
The Author and Perfecter  of our Faith.
The One who knows and has sacrificed it all for our sake.
You alone are worthy to be praised.

Tomorrow will come, but it may not be ours so move swiftly and have mercy on us Lord as this moment is the only one that you have given.